These are the stories of some very strong survivors of rape, what happened to them and how they're dealing with it. Maybe you can identify with the writers. Maybe you can learn from their stories. (from 2000). 2001 stories here. Current board here.
When you're done reading, you can share your story too.
| glittergirl - glittergirl@hugkiss.com |
| Comments - It doesn't feel as though i survived. i feel dead most of the time, although i may appear animated to friends a lot of the time. Its a game, it isn'e true. Where does it begin? i was 4 the first time i was assaulted although i am not belived because "you would have been too small". Well. It was by a friend of the family. It happened because i spilled a glass of water when he was beating my older brother. He was given us because my other brother had to be rushed to a hospital. i got a urinary tract infection, i remember the whole hospital incident, but of course my parents say you were tested for rape, it was negitive. please tell me why i was even tested then if there were no signs. This man told me i should be grateful for the introduction to the wonderful world of sex, because no one would want mme abd i would grow up to be a whore, a prostitute. and i'm ugly dirty. i know some of these things came because he thought i wasnt my dads kid cause i was born with red hair and both of my parents have brown hair. And after that happened we moved to another part of the country. i was 6 then. And i became best friends with a boy who lived next door. he was 9 i believe. He would kiss me and rub against me when we played house, saying this is what mommy and dadddys and supposed to do. ANd then i met his father. i would spend hours at their house. he had an extensive my little pony collection. And one day i walked in on his dad forcing him to give oral sex. he was crying and i knew i should leave but i was fiercey protective. At which point he began to rape/molest me on a daily basis for the next year. He was involved in a cult. i have all kinds of symbol flashbacks now of which i cant understand. not only did he have to infect my flash with his skin but his twisted religious tamperings. the ironic thing is at the same time he was a bible school teacher at the church i attended. we made a deal that if i let him do whatever he want ed to me that he wouldnt touch my sisters or my friend. Amazingly as far as i know it worke. he called me his wifes name, and he thought i was her sometimes, accusing me of things i know now are adultry and such things. He called me a dirty cunt. i didn't know what a cunt was. And then we moved again. To another country. At which point i began attending the public school and i was assigned seats with the most trouble causing little boys because i was the only one who could "calm them" with my stories and understanding. they would listen to me, these poor lost abused children, all discarded on an elementary student girl and expected to keep control over them. that was too much responsibility. And then they would begin to touch me. And said if i didn't kiss them i didn't love them. In such ways the lines between love and sex were fused. i got into abusive relationships as a teenager. i had a friend for the summer of my 13th year gang raped me most notably in a playground. my first boyfriend said i was fat, i became anorexic. my older sister was prettier he would say. one night i was on a lot of drugs and i had passed out. i remember i couldnt move as he unclothed me, touching. he was in my genital area. at which point i either passed out or have blocked out since i remember nothing else. i was with someone for 3 years who wouldnt admit they were with me because they were ashamed of me. he raped me and i became pregnant for my son. i was 13. i miscarriaged about 3 months into it in the bathroom, alone. no one had noticed i was pregnant. i left him when i learned he was openly cheating on me. a few days after i turned 16 i began dating a 22 year old. he was sadistic. he sodimized and raped me. my old friends saw my switch into someone else, someone little, and no one stepped in as he mutilated more and more piecews of me. everything was my fault. Thenn i got pregnant for my daughter. he wanted me to get an abortian so he wouldnt go to jail. he was now 23, i was still 16. i was so happy to be pregant. She was my reason, my salvation, and i love her more tham life itself. i told him i would say i had a one night stand that we'd be fine i wouldnt ask for money or anything. i was very sick during this time. i refused to even take aspirin because i wanted her to be healthy. one night he brought me water and i was so grateful, i thought he was having a nice moment. he laced it with some drug that he had looked up that causes the baby to die. He gave me a dosage that in all reality should have killed me too. i lost her on the bathroom floor, i couldn't even crawl. later that day everyone was getting high ignoring me, my best friend and him were holding hands ignorng me, who was barely concious. i decided then that i would follow her, wherever she went. i thought the miscarriage was my fault. i cut into veins. on both arms. the scars are enourmous. one of the girls boyfriends told me about how scabs develop and that my body could not produce enough tissue intime to save me. i was going to die. i smiled and passed out. i lived obviously. i started heavier drug use then ever, both pregancies i had stopped even smoking. i cereened out of control. he still raped me and everything. he ever sold me over to this guy who raped me for alcohol. i was like currency. my lowest point was when i took a combination of more drugs than i can list snorted a 5 inch high vial. i threw up. i ate my vomit to try and sustain the high. i couldnt imagine not being on it. my boyfriend had cheated on me multiple times. and then i decided to leave him. he beat me. i went back, i left again repeat a few times. and then i left him for good. he has threatened to kill me since and i believe him. i still live in the same town. i live every day in fear. i have since graduated high school at 17 and moved away from my less then supportive more then abusive parents, changed my name and gotten into the first good relationship i have ever had. when i turn 18 we plan to move away from this town, from these bad people. but i still feel dead numb most of the time, except when i am doing my music which seems to be the only thing i have emotion for. i am trying to forgive myself but it seems to be quite a chore. i hope one day to say, look i survived but not just yet. soon i hope. soon. |
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| Jes - six_twojw@yahoo.com |
| Comments - I am 16 years old and was raped about a year ago. I knew the guy quite well and trusted him as my friend. He was in college and me and my friend Shanon went over to his going away party and later that night I went to the bathroom and he was walking towards me and shoved me back into the bathroom. I kept on saying "No Ron, No." But he wouldn't listen. I should have screamed for my friend but I was stupid. I figured she would have thought I was a slut if she came in there because I had a boyfriend at the time. It took me about a week to tell anyone but I told my friend Jenny. She was there for me. Then eventually I told Shanon, she was in disbelief and shock. But she cried with me. About A month after it happened I missed my period. I didn't think anything of because I had always been irregular. But then the worst happened. I was pregnant and miscarried. Nobody knew. I kept everything to myself for months. My boyfriend didn't even know. At the end of summer My friend Holly called me and told me that she talked to "RON" and he said that I was lying, and she didn't know whether to believe me or him. I lost both my friends in an instant, and everyone who was friends with him hated me. Later on I lost my boyfriend also. I lost everything. But eventually people got over it. Haven't talk to my "FRIENDS" since August and I really don't care because the were never true friends anyways. My life is pretty much back to normal althought I am scarred for life. But it has made me a strong person. I'm sure you all have heard the saying "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Well it's true. Jes, age 16 |
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| krystal mehr - krystalmehr@hotmail.com |
| Comments - My name is Krystal.I am 14.I hope that my story can relate or maybe even help someone.I seen others stories and thought that it might help me to write about it in a place where nobody will judge me or look down on me. I was seeing a 19 year old guy that I had thought was 17.He lived across the street from my mom.He was a security gaurd for Patrol One.His name is Victor Espinoza.He had the prettiest eyes and lips.I became his friend in MAy.We became sexuallly involved on the night I spent the night at his house.He called me and wanted me to spend the night.I told him that I didn't feel comfortable with that and he said"Don't worry,we wont do anything."I spent the night and fell asleep.I woke up and found him on top of me.I thought that I imagined it;that it was just a dream that I would wake up from.So closed my eues and convinced myself it wasn't real.After a couple of weeks I didn't get my period and took a pregnancy test. I was pregnant!I knew it was Victor because he was the only guy I had ever had sex with.(well,I used to get molested by my uncle when I was really young and it just stopped when I moved in with my mom in may.)I was only 13 at the time and knew that my mother did not want me to have kids do young.I got an abortion.Then in the end of november he talked me into having sex with him at our friend Jason's.We had sex one more time,consentually,in the beggining of january.Aftern that I found out that he was 19 and he got another girl pregnant and her mom was going to call the cops on him for unlawful sex with a minor if he didn't.The girl lost the baby though.I stayed friends with him but ended ALL sexual contact.On January 28th he called me and asked me if I had called him.I hadn't so I told him no.We talked for a while and then he wanted me to go hang out with him.I did.He picked me up in his patrol car.He took me to the sauna.(that was the place where we had sex the last time).I told him that if I got in there with him that we were not going to do anything.He agreed.We got in there and he started to bring up how my guy friend was always with me.He was acting so weird.I told him that I can hang out with whoever I want,when I want.I also told him that I am my own person and that I control my life,that he doesn't own me.He was getting angry and I could tell.I told him that I wanted to go home.He wouldn't let me.He backed me into the wall and stuck his penis into me.I shoved him off of me and tried to leave.He grabbed me and bent me over the bench.He put it into my butthole.It hurt so bad that I couldn't take it anymore.I started to cry and he pulled my hair.He tol me to "relax" and that it will start to"feel good after a while."I stood up and slapped him.He grabbed my wrists and forced me down on the bench.He tried to get me to give him oral.I shut my mouth and turned my head.I told him that if he tried to do it again that he wouldn't have a dick to rape me with anymore.I spitin his face because I couldn't get my hands free of him. He then put it into my vagina.He told me to "moan".He wanted me to tell him how "good" it was and how bad I wanted it.I would not and he slapped me.Then he told me to"groan you dirty bitch or I'll cum in your mouth and make you swallow it.When he came he got it all over my stomach.I was too disguisted too wipe it off so i put on my blouse and skirt over it.When we got out I yelled at him and he grabbed me and through me into the car.I told him that I was going to tell the police and he told me that if I did that he would"tell them that I wanted it.And if that didn't work then I'll just come back and get you again.I'll fuck your brains out.And if that doesn't work then I'll get your little sister too.She's a virgin,right?I hope she is as good,tight and fisty as you."I was going to tell the cops on the 30th of January but right before I left to go to the station,I seen him.He grabbed his penis and laughed.I got to the station and was too scared to tell the guy cops what had happened.I told them it was consentual.He is now being charged with unlawful sex.I am having a rough time and am barly getting over from blaming myself.I wish I would have told the police.If anyone rapes someone,they should go to the police IMMEDIATLY.Just because you go to the cops doesn't automatically mean you have to press charges,it just helps you alot more with evidence.I think everyone should put rapers behind bars because that means one less for us to worry about.I also think that they should get counsling! Well I don't want to bore anyone with my talk so that is my story.Thanks for listening it's really helped. |
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| krystal mehr - krystalmehr@hotmail.com |
| Comments - I was raped again the other night.I was walking around the streets where Victor raped me at and someone came from behind me.He covered my mouth.I tried to squirm but I was lying face down with the guy on top of me.I never got to see his face but I knew that he had on gloves.I was wearing my dress that I had just gotten all the other memories out of.I did see the guy run and get into a dark blue,two-door car and take off.He had on a dark colored hat and sweater.He raped me anally and vaginally.He didn't talk.He just thrusted.I wish it wren't dark because thenI might have seen his face.It doesn't really matter because I haven't told anyone.It's been a day.I still have the dress and am thinking of checking if it has any DNA of the guy who raped me.I don't know,I am scared.I am never going out alone in the dark.The man didn't want me to see him.He kept me from lokking at him.I feelas though it happened for a reason but am not sure.I am so confused,why do I always get raped?Why won't it stop?How can I make it? |
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| Jessica - sunflower628@excite.com |
| Comments - I don't know if this is considered rape or not...but I was with a guy at his house and we were about to have sex. I stopped, saying I felt we were rushing into it. He protested a bit, but stopped. But just a couple minutes later, he started in again, but I didn't say no. I did not want to have sex with him, but I did. I don't know if he thought he'd "persuaded" me, but that's my story. I'm not that emotionally damaged or anything, but I'd like to know if this would be considered rape or not. |
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| Heather Lee - dark-panther@webtv.net |
| Comments - I was sexually abused along side my older brother almost everynight of my first 6 or seven years of life. When I was 13 years old I moved to a new house in a new city. I was in 8th grade and just starting to make new friends. Since i was already one of the "disturbed" children, i fell right in with the others. They were "Goths" (which i was) "Gangsters" and "punks". I got along with them all very well. I made one friend who was the closest for the first few months. His name was Zach and he was one of the "Gangsters". After a while we became boyfriend and girlfriend. All was well and normal for the first couple of weeks but he soon changed into a monster that i had never seen before. He became very controling and violent. He gave me rules to follow like, what i could wear or say. Soon the rules got even worse. No looking him in the eye, no back talking, no disobedience, no walking in front of him ect ect.. I was afraid to defy my new rules from fear of what he would do and what i knew he was capable of. I knew he had weapons and i knew that he would use them. Soon i tested my ground. I spoke up. At this i was severly beaten. This happened many times. At some points, i was whipped with his belt until my back bled and welted. Things got worse still. One day, i came to his house after school as usual and he drug me up the stairs to his room. He pulled off my clothes. And he would beat me harder and harder the more that i struggled or cried. He held my wrists down over my head and raped me. This happened many times. The beatings got so severe that i walked away with 2 broken ribs, internal bleeding, and head truama. Not to mention that i was severely truamatized. I got up my nerve to dump him eventually and recieved a sock in the face, but i was free. I was followed by him and some of his friends afterwards. Nothing happened after that. Now i am in a lot of therapy, on medication for Rape Truama Sydrome, Post Truamatic Stress Syndrome, and Severe Depression. The flashbacks are common an unbearable but, i am surviving. I also reported this to police who gave no help. This was not surprising. My life now is pretty miserable. I feel nothing but fear and hate of everything around me. I have flashbacks everyday and life is an everyday struggle. I am ruined. I don't know if i will ever get any better. My world is a nightmare. I am 15 years old |
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| Dandylion - hrw24@hotmail.com |
| Comments - I have been raped many times in my life by two different people. I am 31 yrs old and have recently recovered memories of sexual abuse when I was five or six yrs old. The abuser was a neighbor. The second expereince occured when I was a freshman in college. Having never dated before, kissed only once, I was to say the least naive and ignorant when it came to guys and relationships. I fell for the first guy who expressed interest in me. Our courtship was pleasant. Movies, dinner, walks, and kisses at the dorm door. The relationship was different. I was a virgin, had no clue about sex. He new this and took full advantage of me. I endured emotional abuse through out the relationship which lasted almost 2 yrs. Though I didn't define it as such until years later, the first time, was when he raped me the first time. Our relationship became violent as well. He blamed me for many things (ie not getting it up) and intimidated me phsyically. Holding me down,pinning me againstthe wall, forcing oral sex. I simply did not know any better. My parents fought constantly, and never shared the facts of life with me. I was ashamed to speak about sex with girlfreinds. As time went on, the sex became more violent. One night, while he was on top of me, he took my neck in his hands and applied extreme pressure-essentially choking me or strangling me. I woke the next morning and heard a voice inside my head say "If you stay, you will soon die." I asked him to leave as I had planned breakfast with a friend. He was reluctant at first, but agreed. I have never seen him again. Not to hard as he had already graduated and moved else where. I spoke to him many weeks later over the phone, he was "confused" he said, why I broke things off. He saw no wrongdoing. I became a recluse. I went to my classes, showed my face once in a while at the house where I lived and spent the rest of my hours in my room, no lights ande shades down listening to Billy Joel &EltonJohntapes. It wasn't until three months later, As I chatted with an old friend that I casually metioned I had been raped. I let school slide, received incompletes, and began a journey of recovery that included, group therapy, indiviual therapy, self defense classes, research on social behavoir, and many years of counselling. Recovery will end the day I die. I know I will never be raped or again, I will fight back and risk my life, rather then allow someone to harm my body and mind again. |
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| Angela - angie12311@excite.com |
| Comments - My story is much like yours. I use to live in a small town. The football team was ALL there was to look forward to and the players were treated as Gods. My sister dated this particular guy on and off in high school, so I knew him pretty well. I moved away in the 9th grade to a bigger city and absolutly loved it. I came back when I was 19 to visit my grandmother and friends that I had left behind. One night I decided to go to a "pool hall" (there were no clubs in this little town) I went there with my friend because she had been there before and enjoyed shooting pool. I had no interest in it, so I started talking to people around the place. That's when I ran into him. He and his wife had just had their 3rd daughter (the first one of his wife's, he adopted) so we had alot to talk about. I was under the legal drinking age, but he wasn't, so he started buying me beers. After a couple, I told him that we were going to a party and he should come. Well, he did show up later. We all sat around drinking mixed drinks and was pretty drunk. After several hours he asked me if I would ride with him around the corner to pick up one of his friends. Being the trusting person I was, I did. He didn't stop there, he kept driving and went out into the woods. I got out to urinate, and I came back around to the passenger side door and he started kissing me. I allowed this to happen a couple of times, but then it dawned on me that this man was married, and I was drunk and needed to stop the situation before it got any further. He refused to listen and got me on the hood of his car and raped me. I was crying the entire time and telling him to stop. All he kept saying was hold on I'm about to come. After it was over, I got my clothes back on, and he told me to get into the car. He drove me back to the apartment, and while I was getting out, still crying, he tried to hand me a box of condoms and told me that I needed to be more careful. I did not take the condoms, I slammed his car door and went up stairs. My friend saw me come in and I told her I was ready to go. She kept asking me what was wrong, but I told her I did not want to talk about it. I never did, until I was seven months pregnant. My grandmother was the first person I told and before long, the entire family knew. My sister, who was one of his wifes good friends, loaded me into her car and went to his house to tell his wife. When we got there, I was just about to tell her when he walked in. I almost started crying on the spot, but managed to maintain my composure. He asked me who I was pregnant by and I told him not to worry about it. I never did tell his wife, I got up and left. A few weeks later I guess he did the math and called my grandmother and wanted to talk to me, and she went balistic on him. His wife got on the phone and told her that she knew that we had an affair and that the baby was her husbands. She was upset, so I got on the phone with them both and told her EXACTLY what he did. He, of couse, denied it, but when I started asking him questions to recall his memory, he recollected everything the way it happened, in front of his wife. But still denied that it was rape. My son was born on March 13, 1993 (the rapists brothers birthday) and I didn't hear from them until I went through my first divorce. Anyway, to make a VERY long story short, the courts gave this man joint legal custody. My attorney didn't do ANYTHING to help my case and I found out later that he was good friends with this mans parents. I have been going through depression, but just didn't know what exactly was wrong with me. I have night terrors, which is far worse than any nightmare imaginable, I have been through 2 divorces, the first because he said he cheated because I would never have sex with him, the second because I was scared to get close. I am now in a 2 year realtionship with plans of marriage, but my sex drive has plumited to ground 0 again. My emotions are on a roller coaster, and now, after 8 years I know why. I do need help. I remember the girl I use to be, and I want to be that person again. I was considerate, I loved people, I loved opinions, I was open minded, had great spirit, was motivated, smart, active, everything I want to be again. For all these years I have been tumbling through a dark hole, expecting the worst to jump out and grab me. I am paraniod about everything. I hate the person I've become because of this ONE man!! I want to be happy again, and I am very curious if it's possible. This site has taugt me a lot! and I really hope that you all, along with therapy will help me get back to normal. Is there ever going to be a happy median to where I can forgive and forget? I have to deal with this man constantly! I don't want to hurt my child, but I think he should know what kind of man his father is. He just loves him so much, that I just don't know if I can bear breaking his heart, but if I don't, then I'll eventually look like a tramp that slept with a married man in my sons eyes. This is only part of the hell I have lived with since this happened. I hope there is hope, and I pray that God helps me stay as strong as I have been. Thanks!! |
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| Rendia - bechard9@netrover.com |
| Comments - I have been molested on several occasions throughout my childhood, yet not one of them you can actually brand as a "rape". I have had four different attackers, that I can remember, not all at the same time. I have a lot of holes in my memories of these incidents, and I believe that I have intentionally blocked them out. The first incident I truly believe that I was raped, however I can not confirm. I was in diapers, barely old enough to speak. My cousin who was between 11-13 years old came over with my aunt quite often for visits. I had a double bed and a tiny 14" black and white tv in my room. All I remember about this is my cousin and I would lay in my bed every time he came over and we would play this game. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am very competitive and that I like to win. The object of the game was for me to watch the tv for as long as I could, the longer I watched tv, the more I would win. I remember staring at that tv for hours, and hours in a dark bedroom. I remember my cousin, always laying on top of me, or hovering around my diaper area. This would happen on many occasions, until one day my mom caught me with my hand in my diapers. She scolded me as any mom would do, I answered my mom's scolding with "Timothy can do it, why can't I?". Needless to say I never saw my cousin again. I don't remember exactly what had happened, did he or did he not rape me? For 17 years I have lived with that question. I don't know if I have blocked out that part, if I truly kept my eyes on the tv at all times, or if it actually never happened. Whatever the case is, something terribly wrong happened in that bedroom. It scared me. I almost think that not knowing if the rape actually occurred is more tormenting than if I were to remember the rape. If it didn't happen, would I still be hurting the way I am today, or am I making all these feelings up? I have a lot of doubt in myself, and have for many years. I haven't told any family members about this, and have only told maybe 3 friends. It feels like this horrible secret that I am hiding, but I feel like anytime I tell someone, they will minimize my feelings because I can't confirm that it really happened and that they think I am making this stuff up. The second attack would be when I was around 8. Every year (for about 5 years) the landlord's family and my family would go sailing on the landlord's sailboat. I hated these sailing trips, because there was never any non alcoholic drinks on this trip and the water that came from the boat tasted like sewer water. This one particular trip though, I was excited to go, because I had just bought a new bathing suit and was dying to try it out. I wore it on the sailboat. I was playing with my brother and my parents called me to come meet a new friend of theirs. It was an older man, who lived next door to the landlord's mother. He was fascinated with me and my red hair. He started to talk to me, telling me stories of the Depression and so on. My parents had left me alone with him, because they could go and mingle and not worry about one of their kids. When the sailing trip was finished, all the kids wanted to go and play in the water. My parents urged me to go play with them. I started to go to the water and stopped when I saw the older man in the water with them. He was beckoning to me to come join him in the water, he was going to teach me to swim. I turned around and went to sit next to my mom, he scared me somehow. My mom put up with me for about 5 minutes and then told me to go play in the water, the adults were having adult discussions. I cautiously went to the water, and started to play with the other children. Without warning, the older man was behind me, stroking my hair and my back, I pulled away from him to play with the others. He kept following me in the water, making me feel very incomfortable, I looked to the shore, looked away for a second and started to go to shore, when I saw that he was waiting for me there. I stayed in the water and he followed. He came behind me again, this time pulling me onto his lap. I tried to pull away but he held my hips and kept me on his lap. The other kids looked at us funny and kept playing, I wanted so much to get away from him, but he wouldn't let go of me, he was singing in my ear, to calm me down, he moved my body on his back and forth all the while I was struggling to get away from him, then I felt something that had a soft texture and it was hard like a wooden stick, I squirmed as much as I could, ran for my mom and refused to go back to the water, claiming that I was suddenly scared of water. To this day I am terrified of water. During our car ride home, my mom was telling me that the older man was talking about giving me private piano lessons, I told her that I never want to learn piano and to never talk about piano to me again. I never saw the older man again. The third incident was when I was 15, I had just broken up with my boyfriend, and my so called best friend was on his way to hang out with me an help me forget about this ex boyfriend. My friend did not come over until later that evening, after everyone was asleep. We were watching tv when he tried to make out with me. I told him to stop, that I wasn't ready for another relationship. He said he didn't want one either but we could enjoy each other. He moved so quickly, he got on top of me and was holding me down, I was struggling to get him off of me, and I was trying to breathe at the same time, he began to undo his pants and mine, I was getting very scared. I yelled and yelled, he covered my mouth. He began to touch me in all the wrong places. I finally was able to get up, I shoved him off of me, told him to get his clothes and get out of my house. He didn't want to leave and was trying to sweet talk me into staying. I kicked him and basically threw him out of my house. No one in the house even knew about this, until I broke down in school the next day. I couldn't handle going through the whole day at school, I kept having flashbacks of the night before, and the old man and my cousin. The flashbacks invaded my mind and I basically flipped out. The school set me up with a psychologist and was in therapy for about 6 months. I thought I was ok and didn't need anymore counseling after that. The next incident was when I was 17, I was walking home from work, it was about 9:30pm, no one was out, no car in sight, until I see this mustang looking car pull into an abandoned hardware store across the street from me. I thought it was wierd that they would pull in there and started to get nervous. I started to walk faster and had my head down. I looked up and all of a sudden there was this man walking in my direction, I put my head down again, hoping to just walk by this guy. When he got close to me he asked for the time. I looked at my watch and told him, he reached in my jacket and grabbed one of my breasts and said "You have nice breasts" he kept looking at me while I reacted, he looked like he was enjoying my reaction, that he totally got off on it. I screamed "Get away from me" and ran as fast as I could to the nearest restaurant which was a closing Chinese Food restaurant. I didn't know if I was going to live or die or what was going to happen to me. I was so scared. I called my mom and told her what happened, I was very angry with her, because she was too drunk to pick me up that night and I had to walk home. I was told by the patrons of the restaurant to call the police. I never thought of doing that. I did and I filled out a police report, and was visited by the police a few times in the following weeks, they had me identify the man through a series of pictures. Through my identification, the man was sent to jail for a sentence of a year and a half, and only served 8 months of that sentence, the man even told the judge that he can't stop, he needs help and he's afraid of what he may do in the future. This man is now back on the street, and in Canada, they don't notify neighbors that the new person in the neighborhood is a convicted sexual assailant, nor can you find out any other way. Through each of these experiences, I have had many flashbacks. I am having difficulty in separating reality from my nightmares. I feel like I am watching my life from a distance, I do not feel anything but rage. Everything else seems like a dream. Any time something new and good happens in my life, it seems like I try to make it difficult so it won't happen. I can't go to therapy regularily even though it is free for me. I need help, yet I don't want to talk about anything and I am not willing to accept anything. I want to live life as though it did not happen, I feel that therapy means that those people who did those things to me have won and I have lost the battle. I have been told by doctors that I should be on antidepressants, but I don't want to admit that there is anything wrong with me, so I don't take them. I don't feel like a survivor, but here I am. I am alive today. That's what is important. |
| Foxy1 - valford1@bellsouth.net |
| Comments - I did not love myself. My husband had rejected me for another woman and what I would later learn was a heroin addiction. I didn't have a clue. All I knew was he had been gone for four months. No wonder he left me. I had ugly purple stretch marks, and my stomach looked like a bag of jello after the baby. Sex had been painful after a difficult birth, and the more I tried to sexually respond, the more elusive the orgasm. He made me feel like a performing seal. I hated having sex with him. It was my fault if he couldn't hold an erection (drugs, alcohol). I wasn't sexy enough. I wasn't responsive enough. "There is something wrong with me," I thought. He said so.... I am a lousy wife, a lousy mother, a lousy lover ...it had to be my fault, because surely it wasn't his fault. Both he and his mom told me so. I didn't believe in myself. My mother taught me that my perceptions were invalid. No one told me that if he loved me, he would be patient and wait for me. I felt inferior to others. [As a child, I could not bring people home because of dad's alcohol addiction. Later girls could not stay at my house because of my dad and lack of a mother in the house. I felt ashamed of him which created something shameful and inferior in myself. I was embarrased by his behavior. I felt like I had leprosy. I was abandoned by dad to a bottle and by mom in death.] I called an old boyfriend to party, go dancing and, of course, have sex. The very next night, the ex was on my doorsttep demanding to know what went on, as if he had any right to know. I innocently and defiantly told him exactly what was what. He knocked over the refrigerator and the stove, broke every window in the apartment and would have killed me had I not managed to get out the only door to the apartment. To this day, I do not remember where we stayed after that. What I remember is his girlfriend saying "I didn't think he would do anything like this." They called it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Loud noises still make my stomach tighten up and throat go dry. Little unexpected things make me startle. It was my fault that I didn't want to be his dormat. I got a job after the divorce and looked forward to socializing with other women. They would not have lunch with me because I was "divorced." When they told me that, I went into the bathroom and cried at work. How could I have been so popular in high school and turned into such a pirranha in less that three years? I felt like soapscum. Nice girls did not marry and get divorced. Nice girls did not have sex outside of marriage. I had sex to see if I could respond normally. Then I had sex to relieve tension and to be next to a warm body even briefly. It was easy to pretend that sex was love, except it made you feel badly about yourself afterwards. Love was too risky. I didn't have a clue what it meant to be loved; after all, I had tried all my life to be perfect so my daddy would love me, and he still had loved alcohol more. It made me feel inadequate, inferior and unloveable. He was violent. He was abusive to my mother who indirectly taught me to tolerate abuse. It was not what she said, but what she did. She made excuses for him. I married a man like dad, although I would have denied it at the time. I loved my dad. I was having sex with multiple partners (losers), because I didn't love myself. I looked "for love in all the wrong places." I thought that it would heal the big hole I felt inside of myself; I screamed out in despair. It was a deep tunnel where all the scarey things lived. Even during sex, that despair never left. I had sex with my girlfriend's boyfriend. It wasn't personal. I didn't like him. He was there for the taking, so I took. His friend figured he should be entitled to a bit of the action. I blamed myself for putting myself in that situation. Sex deadenned my pain, just like someone else might self-mutilate, overeat, undereat, do drugs or overdose. I had to have sex. It was like a drug fix. I was a sexaholic. I was always the one who picked them. I was always in control of the obviously out of control situations. I had no choice this time. His friend raped me at knife point. All I could think of was that I would die, I was trapped. "How will I ever get out of this apartment without him killing me or my child?" ran through my head. This time I had really gotten myself into hot water. From bits and pieces of conversation, I put two and two together. He was the guy the police were looking for because he had raped a girl in the park the night before. He had not admitted to it, and I surely wasn't going to ask him. He broke her nose and her arm, beat her to a pulp, tried to drown her and raped her repeatedly. She was lucky to be alive. I was terrified. I would do anything to stay alive. I had a young child who needed me. So I did what it took to survive it. I do not feel badly about that. I did what I had to do, because, at that point, I decided I wanted to live. A light bulb went on. I didn't want to die. I didn't know that I had wanted to die before. Oh, I felt like that when my mother died, but I had thought it had gone away. It was a revelation. I took a shower. I couldn't get the water hot enough to clean myself. I felt dirty. He went downstairs. The swat team came in all doors at once, both in my apt. and the one downstairs, and arrested him. The spot lights from the Television News Camera illuminated the front windows. I stayed out of view, relieved. I was a coward. I never came forward. I turned my life around though. I moved out a.s.a.p. I went back to school. I moved to the other side of town out of fear that he would get out of jail and find me. I thought I had covered my tracks. About two months later, to my horror, I received a letter from my rapist. I was terrified that he had found out where I lived. I had no family to protect me. It was from prison. I was relieved when I realized the letter had merely been forwarded by the post office. He went to prison for ten years. I never saw him again. I started talking to a counselor at school. Logically, I can say it was not my fault that he chose to act the way he did, but in my heart I don't believe that. If I had known how to love myself, I would not have put myself in that position. I could blame my parents, I think that they really tried but were ignorant of the effects of alcholism on children. Children were not thought to be effected by what went on in the home that did not concern them directly. Obviously, they were wrong. My mother didn't intentionally abandon me, she had a terminal illness, yet it still felt the same to me. I knew I could not blame her for leaving me, but I hated her for dying. My dad was an alcoholic. He was oblivious to the effect it had on me, because he was too busy trying to deaden his own pain. I think I blamed him because, as an adult, he could have sought treatment for his addiction and did not. I could not control the person I was up to this point, but as an adult, I had the power inside myself to effect changes and make my life better, more loving and everything I wanted it to be. So I feel I am responsible for becoming that person. I know the difference between sex and love. I like who I am. I have a wonderful husband now, and I am happy. I think that when bad things happen to you that good can come out of them. For me, it really changed my whole life. I think we all have it within our grasp to be happy and are capable of learning to love ourselves. Foxy1 |
| ScaredGirl - aegirly00@chickmail.com |
| Comments - It was like a night mare. A nightmare that i could never erase out of my mind. Some people say that you block the things out of your mind that cause you pain. That is very wrong for me. When i was raped it was like every thing was being taken out of me. I was raped on November 12, 1999 at 11:06PM. I was only twelve. I was a skating ring with a couple of friends. It was a pretty fun night, But then the skating ring closed. My father and i had a misunderstanding he thought that i was getting a ride home, while i thought he was going to pick me up at 10:30. So i was there. Outside in the middle of the parking lot stranded. There were no pay phone neer. Two men that were in a van drove up right next to me and asked me if I needed a ride. Releived and Nieve I said yes. I got in to the back seet of the car. the started to drive. after about five minutes i asked them if they wanted to know where i lived. They said they didnt care. Confused, I asked them where we were going. They told me that i would find out in a few minutes. I didnt really know what was going on so i jsut sat there and waited. they stoped in a open parking lot. They crawled back to the back see i was soo scared. i asked them what they were doing. they didnt answer. One jumped on top of me and stared taking of my clothing. I was screaming and kicking. He kicked me in the groin area and told me it was in my best interest to shut it. I tried but it was really hard. He finish removing all my clothing, and started performing oral sex on me. He asked me if it felt good. I didnt asnwer. He didnt seem to care that much. He took his pant and boxers off and he tried to penetrate me, after many tries he suceeded. Then he started. I saw his penis and it scared me a lot because I have no idea they were that big. He started pushing it in me. The pain was horrible. I started screaming and kicking and crying. He pulled out, but i could tell he was very angry. He said that if i didnt stop resisted he would kill me. he hit me in the face, and then told his buddy to come closer, he had him hold me down. He pinned my armed above my head. Then the other man started again. I was crying adn screaming for him to stop, he didnt. Finally he pulled out. He crawled up to me head and stuck his penis in my face, he told me that i was going to give him a "blow job" I was jsut sobbing hystarically. he clinched both sides of my jaw and forced my mouth open and stuck his big penis in my mouth. I was nearly chocking on it. He cum was coming out so fast. I was choking on it. He said "Come on Sweetie Swallow." It tasted horrible and i couldnt bring my self to do it. He kept say "swallow" I didnt so he hit me again told me that he would kill me if i didnt listen to him, so i did, and i swallowed. I felt like i was going to throw up. Satified the man got off me. and put he pants back on. I was relieved it was all over. Then the man holding me down said "My turn." I started crying again, and screaming over and over. Kicked for dear life. He punch in the face, and i blacked out, i think that i passed out to, becasue i remember waking up when he started going inside of me. The guy that had had his turn, was holding me down. The one that was having sex we me then was a lot more physicallly voilet. He hit me and kicked me many times. And he was very painful when he would go in me. it hurt and burned sooo bad. I just gave up. I thought that i was going to die. He pulled out of me and started feeling me everywhere. touching and kissing my breast. We was feeling me all over. He kissed my neck. and then out of the sudden, he put his hand around my neck and started choking me. He said he loved to see someone beg for there life. I couldnt breath, and i was just crying and terrifeid. Then he jsut stoped. got up put his clothes back on got in the drivers seet and started driving. The other man told me to get my clothes back on. I did, and he watched me. They told me that they were going to take me home, i told them not to and to take me back to the skating ring. Suprisenly they did. I didnt want them to take me ome, because i didnt want them to know where i lived. I got a ride home from owner of the skating ring. He asked me if something was wrong and i said no. |
| jess - makaveli_15557@yahoo.com |
| Comments - When i was 15 my mom got remarried. The guy seemed nice. They were married for about three months when one day my mom went to work. She left before i woke up. When i woke up i got up and got in the shower and he came in I told him to stay out but he touch his close off and got in I begged him but he told me to shut up and forced me agienst the wall of the shower and raped me anally. When he was done he made me suck him clean. He said he would kill me if I told anyone. This is the first time I told anyone. Please email me makaveli_15557@yahoo.com |
| Ask - |
| Comments - It helps to tell this story. Just before finals during my Sophomore college year (99-00), during winter quarter, my sister came to visit me. I felt bad because she came at a time when I was busy studying, going to class, etc. So I decided to make up for it by taking her to the city and hot tubbing on Friday evening, the day before she left. The trip to the city was great, it was me, Vanessa and two guy friends. We all decided to meet up later and go to the hot tub. When it came time to go to the hot tub, I called the two boys from before to tell them we were going. One of them didn't want to go, so the guy who was going said he would find someone. At this point I will call "the-guy-who-was-going" "X" and "the-new-guy-he-brought-along" "Y." Anyway, Y was an interesting addition to our group because he had previously had a bizarre relationship with me during freshman year. I had decided I really liked him, then he had told me he just wanted to fool around a bit. I said a lot of stupid things about liking him, and then I got over it and decided we could indeed have a relationship where we just fooled around a bit. However, he confused me by continually trying to add emotion to the situation he had chosen, and the whole thing finally broke apart and ever after he was awkward around me. So X, Y, my sister and I went to the hot tub. I ignored the odd fact that Y was showing up to hang out with me when he had previously had so much difficulty even being in the same room as myself-- especially if he saw me around with my boyfriend. He would glare at my boyfriend and try to flirt with me when my boyfriend wasn't looking. The hot tub was fine too, it was a little awkward, because Y was mostly silent and my sister is shy. X and I did most of the talking. After the hot tub, we headed back, and I figured the evening was over. I had mentioned that I had some tequila earlier in the day, but it didn't seem like anyone would be interested in having some, so I was going to skip it and go to sleep. However, X asked if I still had that bottle of tequila. I did, so we all went in to my dorm to get it. After getting it, Y opened it and poured some drinks. My sister and I left the room to get cookies and water. When we came back, the boys pushed us the shots. I said they could have the glasses, we'd get cups, but they said "No, no, you're the ladies." So we drank the shots. We had a couple more, but the evening started to disappear after that. I became very very sick and continually went to the bathroom to puke or have diarrhea or shoot dark reddish stuff out of my nose. I thought it was alcohol poisoning, because I don't really drink much. We played foosball and talked a bit, but I had a lot of trouble seeing and staying upright. I like to be in control of my situation...i.e. not take drugs (I know a lot of people do and that's fine, it's just me who doesn't like doing it) because I always have thought that if I take a drug and something goes wrong, I won't know who I can trust. Well anyway, I stopped being able to reason very well after awhile. X left and went home, and I ended up sitting on a sofa, watching Y remove my sister's clothing while she was unconscious. He removed his own shirt too. I kept watching and I was trying to figure out what was wrong. I was still trying to figure it out when he dragged her off the sofa, onto the floor, and started dry humping her body, which was now just in bra and underwear in the middle of the floor in a college dorm!!! Everyone was asleep so no one saw it. Except me. I wanted to stop what was happening, because my sister was unconscious, but I found I couldn't move really. There was a part of my mind that was just screaming "MOVE! DO SOMETHING!" But the rest of my mind had control of my body somehow and I couldn't get up off the sofa even though she was just a few feet away. The rational part of my mind...which was the screaming part, started telling me I was a terrible older sister because I was supposed to protect her and I wasn't. I still couldn't quite figure out what was wrong. I finally somehow decided that the problem was that he was wearing too many clothes while my sister had far less. So I got up finally and said "Hey, make sure he takes off as much clothing as you do," to my sister, and I unzipped his pants. His erect penis sprang out. He asked me to help him with it, but I looked at it and said "It's fuckin ugly" zipped it back up, and then sat back down on the couch. I once again tried to figure out what was wrong. In the meantime, he unzipped himself, pulled down my sister's underwear and started to press down on her. He started going in and my mind finally came to its own bizarre conclusion. The sex was unprotected and my sister didn't want it, or couldn't say anything about it because she was unconscious. So I jumped off the sofa somehow and knocked him off her. I punched him in the face several times and tried to strangle him to death. I was confused though, because he said why are you doing this? I didn't know why after a few minutes. He told me I was ruining the movie. He said he was making a movie about peace and love and I spoiled it by being violent. He kept saying that. He said he wanted us to all be open and honest and he thought that we would be after what he did. I said he was a loser and then I started yelling "Why did you try to fuck my sister?" "Why did you do that?" But he said "Don't worry, you won't remember any of this tomorrow. It never happened. All I intended was peace and love. Peace and love." He said that over and over and backed out the door. At this point I was very very sick. I could hardly see, but I found my sister and I got her clothes on and I put her on the sofa to sleep. I wanted to go to sleep very badly then, but I felt like I hadn't done my job yet-- taking care of her. She still needed to catch a plane. I didn't think I'd be able to drive, so I crawled upstairs and took my sleeping bag off my bed. I curled up in that for awhile, but then I started puking again. The first time, I didn't want to wake up my roommate, so I took a bag of groceries next to me and crawled into the hallway and puked into that so I wouldn't make a mess. After awhile though, I couldn't make it to the groceries so I threw up in my sleeping bag repeatedly and just slept next to it. I wanted to die, but I got up anyway later, because my sister needed to get to her plane. My vision was dim and flashed in and out, but I got onto my computer, found a place with Airport Shuttles, and called her one. Then I crawled downstairs and panicked because my sister wouldn't wake up. I started whacking her to get her to move and she finally did. She tried to keep sleeping but I packed her up and sent her off. I remember her saying goodbye and waving and then feeling like I could rest. I remember puking more and trying to drink water, and then I went into a seizure and stopped talking. Some people in the dorm found me. My boyfriend heard about it. He rushed to the hospital, but they wouldn't let him see me because I was in critical condition. They called my parents. My father came. My father and my boyfriend were wonderful. However, when I woke up I was only about 5 years old. I had a stuffed bunny my dad had bought me and I wouldn't let go of it. I couldn't say very much to people, and when I did it was with a little voice from when I was 5. I was afraid I was dying but they said I wasn't. My boyfriend said I looked great. I couldn't think very well, but I recognized some of the people who came to visit. I tried to get out of bed and go take my finals. I asked for my books, but nobody would give them to me. I forgot one part...when I first went to the hospital, they tied me to my bed because I was delirious. They gave me a catheter too. I didn't know that though and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom and they wouldn't let me. I thought they were trying to stretch out my bladder and I thought someone was going to come and kill me. I tore up my shoulders trying to escape the bed. I finally got an arm free and a nurse tried to tie it down but I bit her in a delirious attempt to escape. She punched me a couple of times and I just went back to sleep. I guess it was instinct because I bit her really really hard apparently. Anyway, the aftermath was rough. I tried to get the police to help, but I got a "good ol' boy" type. He said "Hell, when I was kid we did some pretty crazy stuff when we got drunk." He gave them a lie detector test somewhere and they passed. My blood and urine samples came back with nothing in them. The policeman said they didn't do it. He said the one boy didn't try to rape my sister. He wasn't there though. I tried to process it with my school. There isn't enough evidence. So now I have to live with this. I have to live with him too. He will graduate with me. During spring quarter, every time he saw me he leered at me or grinned mockingly. He tried to tell the people here that I made it up because I was jealous that he "got with" my sister after me. But it doesn't make any sense because I love my boyfriend very very much. He is helping me and he has always believed me. He missed finals to be with me in the hospital. He held me whenever I had to cry. He said it wasn't my fault, that I did the best I could. Why would I be jealous of someone who tried to rape my sister? Especially with a wonderful boyfriend like mine? My boyfriend is the only male my age who makes me believe that there are different types of males and that some of them are good. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't trust men at all anymore. Anyway, I feel trapped. I did everything I could do and it wasn't good enough, they have to drop the case. I can't blame the people dropping the case, because they are trying to follow the laws. Their decision is fair but I am right. It makes me really angry. I feel like I should've hit him harder and maybe that would've helped. I know I did my best, but I am still angry because I am not used to doing my very best and failing. It makes me angry, and it makes me feel like a victim. Sometimes I feel like I was forced into being the female victim....which is an image that I feel society was always trying to force on me. I hate it because I feel like I lost somehow, like society just proved something. I know that isn't true, but it comes to mind. I can't read stuff about rape the same way anymore. I feel bad, I feel like I might understand, and sometimes I feel like I just don't know enough about it. I feel like not much happened compared to everyone else. I don't know how my sister feels, she hates talking about it. She just swept it away somewhere as insignificant, and she doesn't remember it anyway. I feel weird being the one who was affected. I feel even worse because I know my mom has seen this before when she worked for rape crisis...I wonder how she deals with it sometimes. My parents are very supportive and open with me, but I wonder anyway. Finally, I don't know what to do about him. When he does it again I won't be there to punch him in the face for someone else. I feel so much anger, and I have never hated someone before, but sometimes I think I hate him. I don't believe that hating is healthy because it takes away a lot of time, but it won't go away, and neither will the emotions involved in the event. I took up kick boxing because it makes me feel better when I can punch and kick something. Apparently I have good punches. No one's ever told me that before. I keep hoping that some day maybe I will have a chance to redeem myself somehow, by helping someone else escape, and doing a better job, but I know that's silly. I guess maybe I will start a site like this. Anyway, thanks everyone who reads this, even if it was boring. You can email me if you want. |
| kate - kateykat_x@yahoo.com |
| Comments - sorry it's so long... ++++++++++++++++++++ - I have been remembering…and I don't want to…my mother's boyfriend molested me at age 3 - he asked me if I wanted to be his "special girl" (who doesn't want to be special?)..god I was just a baby! he couldn't enter me, I was too small, he told me to stop crying…he made me suck his dick…it was so big and ugly and I gagged over and over…he forced me into the shower and washed me…I can remember his hands - around age 4, my mother left us with a male babysitter who locked my sister and I in the closet all day…this is a memory that I still don't have…my sister remembers though… - i was molested by my stepbrother Troy at age 7...he was visiting and one day we were laying down watching cartoons and he put a blanket over us...he proceeded to put his hand down my pants and put my hand on his penis...he had me stroke him while he "played" with me - the hard thing to come to grips with is that i remember thinking this is wrong but it felt good at the same time - my therapist reminds me that God made that part of our bodies to respond to stimulation - but it still makes me feel like a child-whore. I tried to tell my mother but she said, "stop trying to be a princess and get all the attention"...she didn't believe me even though at this point i was wetting my bed and sucking my thumb! her first betrayal... - at 9 i was already developing and had small breasts - one hot day my stepdad told me to take off my shirt if i was hot - that it was ok - i ran into my room and hid. i began to do that a lot because as i got older he made more comments about my blossoming body and he made me feel dirty - he made excuses for us to be alone and he used to sing this fucking song to me - some old song that had my name in it - he never touched me besides rubbing against me but I think if he'd have had the chance...he got me drunk at 10 - thinking it was funny - my mom just said "well you'll feel like shit in the morning"...i started drinking daily after that... - i started doing drugs at 12... - at 13 i got caught for my only time ditching - me and 3 males friends had gone to this clubhouse behind a golf course and spent the day drinking a few beers and smoking pot - when i was found out my mom didn't ask if i'd been hurt by these guys she beat the shit out of me and accused me of fucking all three!! she kept yelling at me "do i need to take you in for a pregnancy test?? do i need to have you tested for vd??" *i had only been kissed once by this age and not counting the molestation i knew almost nothing of sex* --week before last I remembered the way I lost my virginity…reading a survivor story triggered the memory and I hope to God this is the last abuse I remember…I have believed for the last 16 years that I willingly gave my body to Ricky but I remembered getting dressed up for a party where I knew Lyonal was going to be…I had a crush on him…we all got drunk and went over to the park, playing on the kids toys...somehow Lyonal and i ended up behind the trees where he pushed me down and smiled at me…I told him no…he pushed my skirt up and pulled off my panties…I couldn't believe this was happening..i told him to stop…I stared at the trees…he pushed my legs apart and fucked me…afterwards he kept smiling and telling me that I knew I had wanted it…he got up and walked back to the party..i laid there…finally getting up…I couldn't find my panties..i cleaned myself up with the edge of my skirt and went back to the party to find my friend so we could go…he was bragging that he had fucked me…I was a slut….i was 15 - i ran away at 15 after my mom left her 2nd husband and was pregnant by some alcoholic she moved in with - i was very heavy into drugs and alcohol at this point - i'd tried the "perfect daughter" route already but nothing was ever good enough for her - i lived in fear - being mentally abused daily by her. - i ran away at 15...just a month or so after i lost my virginity during a rape...a rape - i just recently remembered - i'm sooo good at building a house of cards in my head...but i hate the images I never blocked out - they still make me feel sooo disgusting i would go back to long beach...hang out..stay at someone's house until their parents made me leave and usually their kid would bail with me (staying only on the streets a couple of days then "wimping out" and going home) but i would never wimp out -- - - one time josie came with me...she was a virgin...naive ... we (she) met a guy..a biker ... long hair long mustache glasses oh christ i can picture him so clearly i can almost smell him .,...fuck....anyways she fucking pours out our story so he offers us a place to stay and a ... job since we were underaged (i was 16, she was 15) we could answer phones and set up "dates" for his "dating" service...we would make $$ for each date completed and there was a couch in the office we could sack out on while the other handled the phones...after the first night he took us to a hotel so we could shower and sleep in a bed and get some food...i tried to tell josie this was not a good thing but she was going to go with or without me...i knew I KNEW what was gonna happen...but i couldn't bail on her...why not?? to this day i don't know...so we get there...i remember the angle of the sun on the railing..the layout of the hotel room...before we went in he told me..."it's either you or her...." i didn't tell him she was a virgin..cuz i knew he'd do both of us then...i went into the bathroom with him while she layed on the bed ... he sat on the toilet and made me take off my clothes ...he pulled his cock out - it was very big - and he made me squat over his lap and fuck his dick....i never said no because i knew he'd hurt her too...he squeezed my arms tight..pounding me harder onto him...it hurt really bad...he told me to say i liked it...and i did...when he was done he left to go get food...i sat in the shower, letitng the hot water run over me as i cried and cried...i was all bruised...when i got out i told josie to get ready - we were leaving before he got back...she got mad at me...she wanted to stay...she didn't know or refused to know or maybe she thought i fucked him cuz i wanted to..??..she thought he would take care of us...yeah he would little did she know...we would've been turned out as whores before ya know it...i finally got her to leave...she was sooo angry at me for that...why did i sacrifice myself for her??? to this day i don't - know.... even though i didn't say no...i didn't want to...i know i said "ok" but i didn't want to...i was scared...there was no way out - i would find out over the next several years that i lived on the streets that i would let many men fuck me just cause it was easier to lay there and let them "do their thing" than try to fight it...and sometimes it also meant i could get a shower or some food....or even better drugs or alcohol... - While I was on the streets i became a junkie and one time i was "sold" for drugs to a disgusting old man who ran a burrito shop...i can still remember his fetid breath and missing teeth...his scalp was mottled and his hair greasy...i cried the whole time and he enjoyed fucking me the more I cried...every time he was done i tried to move off the bed but he'd pull me back and force me to lay next to his fat body. he made me get into degrading positions and he was very rough with me, bruising my wrists, arms and legs...even though i'd had sex before this was painful physically and emotionally - i just wanted to throw up each time he touched me. i tried to keep my eyes squeezed shut because i felt i would go insane if i had to look into his eyes - and i couldn't sleep cuz i'd been shot up with speed. i was able to escape the next day...barely able to walk. - then a year later my friends dad decided to send us to england as a way to keep us from hitchiking to new york to follow a band...so he hocked a bunch of stuff, my mom signed guardianship to him, and away we went. we had been badasses on the street in san francisco so we felt we could take care of ourselves in london. we had heard about a guy named mad jock and told to keep away from him but when i met him he was charming and i thought the rumours had been just that...also i could handle myself. so we went back to his flat - grateful for a place to stay - and the hell began. he tried to get me into the bedroom and I told him i didn't want to so he went in and came back out with a machete. he pushed me into the bedroom...he made me tell him i wanted to have sex with him. he held the machete to my throat and pushed open my legs with his legs...i wasn't even wet..he spit on his hand and rubbed his penis with it and just jammed it into me...i blanked out...i tried not to see his face above mine - eyes gleaming like a madman..i turned my head and stared at the door...i felt sooo humiliated when he pushed my legs up to my shoulders - i still can't have sex in that position - he would shove me into the living room when he was done and brag to his friends about "fucking the american bitch"...he made me suck his dick - it smelled. he would put his hands on my head and force me to take him deeper until i gagged and he would laugh. he would run the machete down my body, between my legs, across my throat. he and his friends never touched my friend because she of was japanese descent and they were prejudiced - they kept joking amongst themselves that her slit ran sideways...he would force me to take baths standing up and scrub myself...if i didn't do a good enough job he would do it all the while yelliing at me for being a "dirty american whore"...i remember dried blood on the rag when i clean my vaginal area. finally one night after he tore up my passport and took my friends he made me take a bath then shoved me into the living room, my towel fell off..his friend was there..he tossed me clothes - no bra or panties - made me get dressed right there..they began sniffing glue he offered some to me but i was already feeling so sick i said no and he said he'd have something better for me to huff in a while..i was gonna vomit so i tried to get into the bathroom but i knocked into his arm and that pissed him off so he slammed me back down onto the couch, leaned over me and bit my cheek. it hurt so much..his eyes were murderous..i remember seeing him pulling his face away...smiling with my blood on his lips..i knew that he would never let me go...i had already lost track of how long we'd been there..days. he gave our passports to his neighbor and told her to watch us while they went downstairs to the pub...we left all our stuff and crawled on hands and knees to pass her flat, ran to the tube, we had no money, we jumped the train and took it to trafalger square and ran to the first bobby we saw. i was sooo scared jock would find us...the cop took us to the police station where we spent the night going over our story with some very kind detectives (thank you!) they sent some officers to retrieve our stuff...jock said everything had been consensual and that the bite was from rough sex but i wanted it...the cops knew differently by looking at my beaten body. apparently jock had done this before but no one would press charges - well i decided not to either because at that time in england the accused got to choose his level of court meaning he could be free for a long time before his trial. i did not have the mental strength to deal with that - i feared for my life. i called my mom from the embassy to arrange for her to help us pay for passage home (he had stolen all our money) but she said.."you got what you deserved (she didn't know about the rape-i tried to tell her but she said "i don't wanna hear what happened - you got yourself into trouble now get out")..my friends mom managed to come up with the money and as soon as we got to the states our friendship deteriorated so i moved back home... - during the 2 years on the streets i'd been violently raped twice and forced into sex many other times because i knew it was easier to say yes than to say no... at 17 i was having horried nightmares and was sucking my thumb again...i once more tried to tell my mom what happened and she looked at me and said, "i don't want to hear it - i can't deal with it" i thought "you bitch!! if you can't deal with it how am i supposed tolive with it?" I got heavier into drugs to try to escape...got into an abusive relationship that centered around drugs...i'm pretty sure i got pregnant by him cuz i missed my period for a few months then had a horrid one...i never stopped doing drugs during that time tho...our relationship ended after it had escalated to us doing crack and him beating me when we'd come down one night i caught him in bed with his ex girlfriend...it was enough to make me get sober. - unfortunately my mental age was all of 14 even though i was 18 and i met my first husband when i was only 5 months sober. sexually i felt frigid - full of fear and i put him off for 4 months when we finally had sex i got pregnant the first time. i went into denial and he figured out i was pregnant before i would admit it to myself...i was scared so i went along with his familys pressure and married him...my beautiful daughter was born 6 weeks early but healthy...he could not be found in the hospital when they were wheeling me into surgery (i had to have c-section)...the mental abuse by him started right after we married..he told me i looked like a cow, i was fat, nobody would want me but him, that i looked like my car (a vw beetle), but of course he still wanted sex even tho it hurt me. after my 1st daughter was born i tried to get out of sex...but he pressured me constantly and reminded me that he was the only one who would want me. when my older daughter was only 9 months old i got pregnant again - he was very pissed at me and blamed me-wouldn't talk to me and made me sleep on the couch. he was passive aggressive and just like my mom - knew my weaknesses and mentally manipulated me. i took the abuse until my youngest daughter was 14 months old...by then he had moved us 3 hours away from his family and 4 hours away from mine. he was cheating on me and lying to me all the time..while still telling me how worthless I was, what a horrible mother i was, and how no one would want me.i would wake up at night with him over me..ready to thrust his penis in me-this brought back horrible flashes of jock and the fat man-I would freak out and he would yell at me that I was his wife and it was my duty….he would push my legs apart and do his thing…I just laid there. I finally had the strength to move out...i began an obsessive relationship with a man who was seperated from his wife, had just had a child with his girlfriend and was also fucking me…I felt I deserved nothing better... and went through a horrible divorce during which several times my soon to be ex brought over his 44-magnum - just to "show me"... - in the 8 ½ years since we've been divorced i've done therapy on and off...had a nervous breakdown, relapsed into drug addiction and alcoholism, attempted suicide twice, was finally diagnosed with manic depression/bipolar and got on meds...during which time i met my current husband and he has been a godsend. he has stuck by through thick and thin and together we had a beautiful daughter who is now 5 years old. i've been working in therapy on the incest and sexual abuse/rape as well as parental betrayal...trying to get to the point where i want to be healthy - physically and mentally - and where i love myself and believe that i deserve good things in life. I just feel so ashamed, guilty, dirty, at fault - 9 people have molested, abused, and/or raped me…on one level my head tells me it was not my fault but my heart tells me it was… I made the decision for my birth mother to "die"…I killed her off peacefully, in her sleep, on April 5, 2000 - I can't even fantasize about causing her a painful death even with all she's done (and not done)…I went so far as to write her obituary and destroy all pictures and things relating to her…I do not regret cutting her out of my life - it came down to me or her and dammit I'm tired of my life being run by someone else's will… - i am sorry this was soo long and thank you for listening. if you want to write me please do so at: kateykat_x @yahoo.com or icq 70941142 thank you for this forum, kateykat |
| karen - karenbelles@hotmail.com |
| Comments - I was at a party on Friday night with my boyfriend. I am 15 and he was 17. He asked me if I wanted a drink, I said yes. He brought me my drink and then latter that night I was uncouncious or so I was told. When I woke up all of my clothes were off and my boyfriend said that he and three of his friends had sex with me. I ran out of the party and went home. I told my parents what happened and they blamed me. Then I was in alot of physical pain so I went to the hospital ER. They did all kinds of tests and called the police for me. I felt as if I had done something wrong but they assured me it wasn't my fault. |
| Karen - kmmcinto@uwaterloo.ca |
| Comments - I am now approaching two years since I was raped. I have never visited a site such as this but I have been so touched that I thought it was time to share my story. I was 20 years old and attending a friends birthday party. I didn't know any of her friends from home (we went to university together) so I began talking to her sister and her cousin, Andrew. I also began drinking, of my own volition, so that I would relax and maybe meet more of her friends. Her cousin and I got along quite well, but I thought he was only talking to me to be kind. After drinking at the house for awhile, we all went out to the bar and drank more. My friend became quite sick from the amount of alcohol she had and since I was feeling a little uncomfortable I offered to take her home. As she and I were getting in the cab i realized her cousin was climbing in after me. We had been flirting a bit at the bar so I wasn't too surprized. When we got to the house, he and I put my friend to bed and we went outside to look at the mess we had made partying earlier. I don't remember the details of how it started, but we began fooling around and were very quickly unclothed. I quickly brought up the fact that I didn't want to sleep with him. When he asked why I just said I didn't sleep with strangers. He said that was fine, we could stop at whatever I wanted. He said he just wanted to sleep beside a beautiful girl. We continued fooling around until I felt uncomfortable and said we should check on my friend. After some proding he agreed and we went back inside. That was when I realized how drunk I was. I was stumbling badly. He helped me up the stairs and after checking on my friends we went into the bedroom I was supposed to spend the night in. We again fooled around but things were different. We were unclothed and he tried repeatedly to enter me. I would move away and say no and he would always respond that that was fine, we would just fool around. And stupidly I would believe him over and over. Shortly, I began passing out from the amount of alcohol I had. I kept falling asleep and waking to him touching me. Then I awoke to him on top of me, me on my stomach and him forcing anal sex on me. I still don't know why I didn't fight back. Then next thing I remember is waking up in the morning. He was lying beside me, asleep. He awoke to my rolling over and tried to kiss me. Again, he got on top of me and tried to have sex. Again I said no and moved myself away from him. He completely ignored me and I gave up and let him do what he wanted to. I just layed there until he was done. Then I got up and showered and he left without saying a word to me. My friend quickly gathered from others that stayed in the house that he and I had spent the night together. I still haven't told her the story, I just let her believe what she wanted. A year later another friend told me her story. It triggered so much for me that I began seeing a counsellor at school. He was great and helped me overcome the stress I was experiencing as a result of the rape. I have put most of the pain behind me now but I know I have two more large steps to take in overcoming the acute symptoms of the trauma - I have to tell my parents and I have to establish a solid, loving relationship with a man who will help me move beyond my fear of sexual intimacy. I hope my story will help those who feel that their rape is their fault. After my rape but before I labeled it as that, I unconsciously put my self in the same situation four times in the next two months. Each time I drank, each time I fooled around with a guy I didn't know well, and each time I said no. And each time they stopped, not because I did something different but because they aren't rapists. No one is expected to know how to effectively fight off a rapist. |
| sad - flying7@aol.com |
| Comments - I am an old woman, 63, and I have been wondering for a long time what is wrong with me. I married at 19. My husband and I both virgins. I didn't know what to expect of sex except for the whisperings of teenage girls. My husband was not very kind on our wedding night but I don't think he knew what he was doing either. But it hurt and I hated it. I just pretended it never happened and at other times our marriage was normal enough. I am a religious person (Catholic) and so I never said anything to anyone. I tried in confession but I think the priest was more embarrased than I was and he told me I had a duty as a wife. That most women did not enjoy this act of procreation but that it soothed a man. So....I believed it. Everyone said my husband was a great person. He helped other people, was a pillar of the community, worked hard and supported his family. I raised the children and went to work to supplement our income. People would always tell me how lucky I was to have a man like my husband. He never beat me and was a kind man. I never talked about sex with anyone but I always laughed along with everyone else at a bridal shower of a friend or relative as little gags were pulled. One time I even had a feeling, my husband slapped his hand over my mouth, and my teeth sunk into my mouth and it bled. Never felt that way again. This sounds like a book. Not a very good one either. Only once did I get enough nerve to leave my husband. I met a young man and fell in love and because of this I left my husband. All my family and friends shunned me. My husband followed my young man and I and caused a terrible scene. My young man jumped in and tried to protect me butI ended up with a black eye. Also my young man told me to go home with my husband. He could not date a married woman and when I got a divorce to locate him. That was 40 years ago. I went back. I took the berrating from my family, my priest and my husband made sure I became pregnant. I have never spoken about this again. It just went on. When my husband gets angry he calls me a whore, he tells me I am frigid and he is right, I am. I don't know why I was born thatway and I don't know who else is so I can't talk to them. I have broken my silence to myself. I have spoken out loud. I am very obese now, I started gaining weight at about the age 48 and have reached a whopping 286. My husband hadn't raped me in a long time because I am unattractive and we have sex very little but about three months ago he raped me again. This time I cried out in pain, we have four children under age 18 so my husband held my mouth. This was the worst one. I could hardly walk the next day and the kids asked me what happened to my mouth. I told them I must have chewed on it in my sleep. Oh, God, I can't go through this again. I told him if he ever touches me again I will call the police and have him arrested. I told him he raped me for the last time. He said he didn't remember EVER raping me. I hate him. I can hardly be civil. The children think I am awful to dad. I don't want to die alone, I don't want to be awful but I have been raped. It is rape. Sex is out there now and I know its not normal the way I have had to live. I want my children to experience love, even though I had it for such a short time I think about him a lot. I don't know where he is but I am sure he is married and has children. I am sure he is happy because he was so wonderful. How do I get my children to understand that even though our religion is important in this they were wrong. My parents didn't know what was going on and that is why they were so adamant about my going back. I don't think telling the children anything would do anything but hurt them. They really love their dad. I really love them. They are the only good thing that came out of this mess. I'm sorry my story is so long. I guess the older you are the gabbier you get. Doris |
| Craig - easytouch21@excite.com |
| Comments - When I was 9 I befriended a 13 year old boy who took me to his garage one day while looking for something to pass the time. He pulled out his penis and told me to touch it. I blushed and refused! He played with it making it get big and ordered me to come closer. I told him I don't want to. Then he said,"If you don't do what I tell you to I will tell everybody at school you did. And I am older than you. They will laugh you out of this town." therefore, I did the terrible things he told me to do. This private torture sessions lasted for several months, he even tried to penetrate my anus a couple of tiimes. He made me watch him have sex with a 14 year old girl in an old house. Somehow I did get away from him and was able to stay out of his reach. But my next door neighbours had two boys 18 and 19 who started abusing me. They used the relationship I had with a yonger boy my age named Terry to get me in bed. I was made to suck them on several occasions, but by this time I was developing homosexual cravings. I hated myself for doing it but I got to wanting it. I felt like a person divided into two separate people. Shortly after this my sister's friend Wanda a 16 year old girl got me alone and tried to teach me how to have sex with a woman. Although my body was not ready for sex my mind was consumed with it. I ceased to be a child and thought about nothing but sexual pleasure and sexual acts. Since my childhood I have had unceasing suicidal tendancies! I have tried everything to heal and get past the things which happened, but I have not been able to grow up and develop like children should. I know that I could have been a sexual preditor leaving a wake of victims like myself, but instead I have come extremely close to a successful suicide. Even as I write this letter I am going through some personal health problems which no doubt are from that history. I am unable to work any job that requires tolerating stress. Three days ago my blood pressure was 206/122 when they took me to the hospital again. I can say one thing - I have gotten up each day and told myself, "Today is the only day I really need to care about, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. That is how I survive! By living the present moment! |
| lucy hill - amyp05@yahoo.co.uk |
| Comments - i am 21 and a year ago i was raped. This is my story.... it was a monday student night out. i as very drunk and had just walked away from my friends. They had looked at me like i was shit because i fell over. They tutted at how drunk i was and walked away expectin me to follow....i didn't. i felt so unloved by them, so hurt that i was such a burden, and so rejected. I wandered through the club wondering whether to make my way home. It was at this point that i saw 'him'. I had kissed him two weeks before and saw him as a saviour to the problem...a friendly face, a person to trust. Proving to myself that i could make it on my own, i left the club with him. As i stumbled he held me up. Unaware of where i was i asked where are we going with a giggle. Hestopped..'To my place' he said and kissed me hard. It startled me but i responded. For the rest of the journey home he seemed to need to keep stopping and kissing me. In my drunken state i did not really notice the urgency or force behind the kisses and looking back i could have saved myself. Back at his place he kicked his mate out of his room and locked the door behind us. I crashed out on the bed and as i hit the pillow the room span. I rea;ised how drunk i was. The next minute he was on top of me, undressing me, fondling me...knowing how out of it i was. I lay naked on the bed as he undressed. He kissed me urgently and began thrusting inside me. I did not want this but i let him because it made me feel wanted. It didnt last long before he pulled out and i was glad to rest. The drink had really got to me. i rolled over onto my stomach and drifted in and out of consciousness. At this point i remember faint noises in the background. The knee on my back startled me. He was holding my arms back and trying to tie them. i struggled and pulled my arms free but he pushed his knee in harder so that his whole weight was on top of me. The fear hit me. The panic set in.My face was pushed into the pillow and i struggled to breathe. I could feel the wire binding my hands together.I cried out no and yanked at my arms. The belt sliced through the air and onto my skin. It was still stinging as the next hit came.'if you're naughty again i'll hit you' I cried and sobbed for him to stop. I kept saying i wanted to go home. When i shouted louder he covered my mouth. i thought i was gonna die. He turned me over so that i lay on my hands making it harder for me to break free. With my hands bound i could do nothing as he grabbed and groped at my body. Taking pleasure in my cries. Placing me where he wanted me. He rammed his whole hand inside me and i felt the tear. With every sob, he prodded and poked. When i said i wanted to go home he hit me with the belt. He still tried to kiss me but i turned my face and wouldnt respond so he licked my face. Dirty bastard. He then looked into my eyes and told me i loved it. He entered me roughly and through the sobs i managed to whisper...'no'. i felt a burning with every thrust. he thrust fast and hard using my shoulders to penetrate deep. And deep he did penetrate...to the soul. i just wanted it to stop. Let me go home but he ignored the cries....'no' The fire between my legs turned wet and warm and i knew the filthy bastard had ejaculated inside me. Tarnishing me. Making me his.He turned me on my front andfondled around grabbing at my bum. Then he raped me while i lay on my stomach, hands still trapped and face fighting for breath.The final humiliation was as he straddled my face and his wet memer was shoved near my face.Thinkin back i should have bitten the ugly thing off. it was thrust to th back of my throat until i gagged. Finally he climbed off and collapsed naked beside me.What now i thought. Somehow i found the courage to speak 'please untie me'i whispered. He rolld me on my side and began untieing me. When i was untied i went to get up. i tried to casually say that i'd better go. But he pulled me back on the bed and begged me to stay with him. 'I have to go' i pleaded through tear ridden eyes. I fought his grasp to get up and quickly shoved my clothes on. He lay back drunk and naked on the bed. This was my way out i thought.i went to the door and grappled with the lock through shaking hands. my heart sank as i felt his hands from behind. Stay with me til 6 he said whilst still roaming his hands over me. 'i have to go' i pleaded. As soon as the lock was undonehe sat back on the bed defeated as i opened the door and ran. i ran hysterically into the street. i didn't know where i was or which way to run but i ran. i cried as i ran i ran for my life i ran for survival. i had survived. Thanx for reading and your support. Writing my story has really helped. Here i know i am safe from judgement. i love you all and wish you all the best in life xxxx Lucy. |
| heather - slipup@streetpunks.com |
| Comments - im not too good at this type of thing so i'll make it short and sweet... it's been a long time since i was molested and rape? i say this because after all this time im not even sure what to call it... i was eleven when an uncle started molesting with me... i don't even really remember what or how it started... one day he just started kissing me... it really didn't seem right...but it didn't seem all that wrong either...i don't know i just kind of went on auto pilot.. i really didn't feel any guilt sickness or shame till afterwards...that's when it would really hit me... it went on this way for awhile... untill one day ...he had me on top of him (fully clothed by the way) rubbing himself against me... and at the time i really didn't understand reproduction or anything... he rubbed up aganist me till he came in his pants and i got really scared cause i thought i was going to get pregnaunt...then everyone would know what went on... after that it stopped and i never told anyone.. that's when i started to develope a violent temper and started really fighting my mom to go to school( which is something i've always done.. but it has just gotten worse at this point) i remember that i would dramatically cry ..scream and throw things..once i threw at plate up aganist the wall... all over something that now seems pretty petty.. i also remember times that i would physically take ahold of my sisters and proceed to wrap my hands around their throat then squeeze with all my might afterwards i felt horrible.. but at the time it was like i was a different person... things got better for me.. in a few years i started reading all the info i could on sexual abuse..and how to manage my anger..and i got better... i still hadn't told anyone but all that i've read and watched about it i felt set free... then something happened that i never thought would ever happen to me in my whole entire life.. about a month after my 18th birthday ..on christmas night my boyfriend did something to me...i still don't know if i should call it rape... what's funny is as i set here and tell you about this.. im not crying or feeling anything.. i wish i could tho.. i don't feel anything.... i guess i should have known that something just wasn't right..he would tell me what to wear...he would follow me around even to the bathroom..he was so jealous and clingy there was also alot of unwanted sexual touching that i didn't want... i remember one night he held me... he wouldn't let go of me... i kept fighting and telling him i wanted to go.. finally after enough crying he left me go.. i should have known then things were getting way to messed up... then one night on christmas after i told him i had no intentions of having sex that night he forced his fingers in my anus... i was scared.. i kind of just left again ..went on auto pilot like i did when i was a little grrl... i was so scared i couldnt move or even say anything ..that i didn't wanna wake my parents i didn't want them to see me in this position..i would have rather died ... then he stuck his penis inside of me.. after i went to bed i cried...the next morning he was all happy it didn't even phase him.. i didn't really know what to make of it.. i knew i didn't want sex last night.. and i felt like a peice of trash... but i still didnt know what to call..even tho it made me feel so dead inside... im now 20 years old.. i still don't know what to make of it..i happened to get a hold of my attackers email...i emailed him.. i told him how i felt ..how much i hated him...and how it feels to live with such a thing.. i think that helped me along in my healing im not a total hundred percent.. but alot better... that email saved me... thank you... |
| shar - sharmaine308@icqmail.com |
| Comments - Well, i never thought i would be writing this but this is to be a big step right. Where to start? I was 16, a virgin with big ideas to give it to my love when i found him. I had only lived in a big city for a year and i was making friends. And i made friends with this guy at the end of the year even though i could never stand him before and one night me and a group of friends were going to a house party and i invited HIM. Not one person was pleased that i had invited him but i just kept saying give him a chance he's not that bad. I ended up getting really drunk (i wonder now if that was intentional on his part) i never got sick i just layed there in the back yard for hours. Then finally everyone had to go because the girl's mom was coming home soon, this girl who had the party had already passed out, and i couldn't walk it was like i was slippin in and out so a couple friends took me inside to an upstairs bedroom. He then came in and asked if i wanted anything, i said no, he came in anyway, he climbed in bed and started kissing me and i told him twice that we couldn't have sex. Next thing i remember is flashes of his face above mine and i couldn't feel anything but i could see he was having sex with me, not being able to even left my head and knowing he wouldn't stop i asked if he had a condom on he said there was none. I don't have a clue as to how he got all my clothes off. I don't remember if i tried fighting him or anything. That's where my guilt comes from, is getting so drunk and not fighting him off but everytime i think if my memories i remember seeing him doing what he was doing and feeling like i was dying or part of me was being ripped away. After that i slept with anything almost i never said no again except for a few months ago, i woke up at some guys house and i just asked myself what i was doing and i feel some self respect coming back again. It's hard and i don't know what's next but i feel like i'm getting my power back after 5 years. |
| jane - |
| Comments - i will never be able to look at myself in the mirror again the same way |
| LadyIrish69 - Private |
| Comments - 9 years and still surviving ----- I was 14 when it happened. It was someone I knew and had a crush on. Unlike most, I was given a choice: either give him oral, or the other. I chose the other. I figured I could handle being called a whore, but not a dirty cocksucker. Two weeks later after, about 20 of his friends surrounded me and tried to gang rape me. My friend that I was with didn't try to help. An 18 year old boy helped me, and two girls I never new helped me get away. Thank God I had bitten the hand of one of them, because if it had happened again, I would not have been here. And thank God for strangers who care! |
| Tony - hardreign_@excite.com |
| Comments - Well I dont really remember how all of it started, but when I was a child of 8 or so my older brother began to molest me. I will not go into detail about what took place, mostly because it is hard to put on paper. It started as only ocuring once in a while, he would pull me aside and make me do things to his body. After a while it was more and more frequent. I was not comfortable in my own body, I wanted to never even be at home. When I was in the fourth grade I finnaly told somebody, it was the most humuliating thing I had ever done in my short life. What made things worse was I was laughed at by many people, and not taken seriously. Of course at this point nothing was done, the abuse continued for several years. Finly my older brother had raped my younger sister and was sent to juvenile jail. Once he was released the abuse continued until I was roughly eighteen, I finaly moved out and was on my own. It was over. From that day on what hurt the most was nothing was ever done to protect me. I felt abandoned and dirty. I am 25 years old now I think I am ready to deal with the scars and move on. |
| susan - posk137@hotmail.com |
| Comments - as i type this i feel as though i am letting myself down as this is a move towards my own healing. and i just think that i should be able to deal with this on my own, without any help. but then again, we all have assinine thoughts sometimes. i feel empty today and it's not just the alcohol wearing off. it the thought wearing in. i was at a halloween party last night and as i sat at the picnic table i felt myself tear up and my boyfriend asked me why i cry every time we're supposed to be out hvaing fun. sure, he knows what happened, but i don't think he knows that it affects me as much as it does. i don;t think i know either. i looked at him and said (pointing at my bottle of hornsby's) "i think that this will help be forget and relax for a little bit, but ll it does is make me remember" and then i went into the bathroom where i proceeded to sob. i feel like such a child when i do that, as though a "tough person" wouldn't cry about it and allow themselves to have some fun once in a while. but the only thing i can say to myself is "bad things happen to girls who have beer in them"...over and over again. i don't know at what point he thought i wanted to have sex with him. maybe it was because i was drunkingly dancing around my own apartment wearing short sleeping shorts or maybe it was when i was giggling and put my head on his shoulder. but maybe that's all it ever is. but maybe it's not. march 29th of 2000 is my day. i suppose i'm still an infant in this whole thing. i find it ironically amusing that this is the only date i can remember besides the birthday's of people i have known for years and years. i was on the phone with my now ex for over two hours...breaking up with him actually. my roommate was in washington dc at her boyfriends place and her brother and their cousin were visiting and were there with me in my apartment. after i got off the phone i was kinda sad at the fact that i was losing the person with whom i had been so close with for the past year or so. so since they were drinking i thought i would as well. so i drank 5 beers...in 30 minutes. not the grandest idea i've ever had. and so we talked. i told my roomie's brother and her cousin about how i was proud that, at twenty, i was still a virgin. i was not waiting for marriage but just to meet the right guy. and i told them about how i had just broken up with my boyfriend. we talked about alot of things but that is all i can honestly remember now. to lighten the mood i turned on the radio and a good song came on and i danced to it...and so did they. and the three of us went to sit in my room and talke a little more while sitting on my bed. the cousin left and i asked where he was going...to get a beer he said. i told him to come back as soon as he got it from the fridge. but i don't remember if he ever did. i ran tot he bathroom and stayed there for a little bit because i thought i was going to be sick. i may have been, but i can't remember. my roommates brother and i were sitting on the bed (i don't know if the cousin was there or not) and he kissed me. i told him that i could not kiss him b/c it was too weird-him being my roomie's bro and all. i was in and out of consciousness so i do not remember how things progressed...not at all. i remember waking up in the middle and thinking "what the fuck is going on?". and then i passed out again the next time i woke up i was in a great deal of pain, maybe because i had never had sex before, but i think that it was the fact that i had a tampon inside my body which i know i had said something about, but he did not bother taking it out. and it hurt like hell getting thrust further and further inside of me. and i said, get off, i have a tampon in, it hurts"...he doesn't remember me saying that. and then i passed out again. the next time i woke up i asked if he even had a condom on. he did not, and that was what made him stop. a rapist with health consciouness, how sweet. i passed out again and woke up the next morning when i got a phone call saying i was late for he meeting i was supposed to be running. so i raced to school and ran the meeting...puking through half of it. when i went home i was so sick but didn't really remember what had happened until i saw him lying in my bed (where it had happened) in his underware. i askd him what had happened and he asked me if i was ok with it. well of course i wasn't...not that i even remembered any of it at that point. so out the three of them went (my roommate who came back that morning, her bro, and her cousin). i went to sleep to get rid of the hangover. when i woke up a few hours later i remembered i hd my period and needed to change my tampon so i went into the bathroom, but i could not find the string. it was tcuk in my body. i tried to find t for half an hour, i even got a hand mirror and tried. but i couldn't find it. i had to go the hospital to get it out. i went and they sent me o a rape crisis center in baltimore. i went and they removed it for me, which i must say hurt like a bitch. i didn't press charges, but i did report it. i didn't because he felt bad, he thought i had wanted to have sex with him. and he's in the air force academy and even though he had hurt i did not want to ruin his life. i don't be;ieve in an eye for eye because it's God's job to decide how we each pay for our sins, not mine. he will get his some day. i think what hurt the most, though, was hat when my roommate found out what had happened she asked if i wantd to talk (because she had been raped years before in much the same manner) but i said i just wanted to sleep. her brother and cousin were due to fly out the following morning and she was going to stay to drive them there. btu sometime after i had fallen asleep she left the apartment and me...alone with her brother and cousin once again becasue she was "disgusted with him". she left me and that will always hurt me. she was supposed to be my friend and she left me there. mabe i should not have stayed there. but i did not have anywhere else to go because i did not want to tell anybody. after they left and i was sure they were on a plane i called my ex boyfriend and told him i needed to alkto him and was going to drive the 40 minutes to come tell him. he insistedi at least tell him what was wrong because i never call him like that and i told him. he told me to pack a bag and come see him. i went and i wound up spending the enitre weekend at his place. i called out of work for three days and all i did was sleep. waki9ng up only for him to practically force feed me. i couldn't understand why i would be happy one minute and then sobbing the next for a week or two. by this point midterms were rolling around and i was trying to go to school, work 25 hous a week, and basically just keep my head above water. i would go days eatin a bowl of cereal, a few french fries (literally), and maybe a bite of pizza or something. for months i did this. and i am still like that now, on and off. sometimes i don't think about it, but other times it bothers me. like last night when i was in the bathroom, a little tipsy, and was inserting a tampon. and it just reminded me... and then there i am in a strange place bawling m eyes out. i don't necessaril understand what is happeneing in my mind, but i love to write so i try to deal with it like that. but these feelings are so deep that i cannot even access them now for the sake of writing. in fact, i have been unable to write very much since it has happened because now i feel as though all of my feelings are so trivial. i feel like i don't deserve to feel as badly as others do since i wasn't held down with a knife at my throat or since i wasn't beaten. like what happened to me wasn't as bad as what happened to others therefore i shouldn't even be allowed to call it rape. to let it hurt me. to let it bring me here. to let it take over my mind. but then i remember... |
| PW - allthat@btinternet.com |
| Comments - I was introduced to abuse at an early age. By the time I was about six, I had been molested. My mother introduced me to a man she claimed was a doctor, and he took me into my bedroom to "examine" me. I don't to this day understand why my mother set up this arrangement. What I do know is that the man was very, very wealthy - and maybe it was something to do with that. Anyway, over the years that followed my parents divorced. I never saw my father again. My mother sent me to a foster home where I was brought up by a mad elderly woman. The woman was basically kind but unable to protect me. When I had to go to visit my mother, I would be abused again by her male friends. In her culture, arranged marriage is fairly normal and prospective "husbands" were teh abusers. My mother seemed to think it funny. During this period I was molested by them and by people I just met while out playing. It was as though I attracted perverts. Probably because I had learned not to complain. I had learned to be quiet, and it would be over sooner. Although I was frequently molested, I was not actually raped. Not until I was 16. I was out with some school friends and we were hanging out in a bar, although we were obviously underage. At this point I was so grossed out by men that I didn't have a boyfriend and had never had one. I was still a virgin. A much older man entered the bar. He was a soldier. He couldn't seem to stop staring at me. I was confused by his attention since I'd never realised I was pretty before. He started buying me vodkas. After five of them I was so drunk that I couldn't see straight. This soldier then dragged me out of the bar, away from my friends (who by this time were equally drunk). When I went out into the cold air, I started to feel really dizzy and close to vomiting. I told him that I needed to leave and catch the last bus home before it was too late. HE wasn't interested in that. He had started out friendly and full of compliments. Once we were outside the bar he turned nasty. He dragged me into some public lavatories (the kind where they have communal lavatories)pushed me down on the floor and forced himself into me. I still can't remember all of it. I'm not sure whether this is because I've blanked it out now or I was only semi-conscious when it happened. I remember first of all crying then (because of the alcohol possibly) actually being sick. He carried on after I'd been sick. When he finished he tried to drag me to my feet but I was too drunk to even stand up, so he just left me lying there, with vomit around me. I was found by a man who went to use the urinal. He called an ambulance and I spent the night in hospital. When the doctor asked me how old i was I lied and said it was my 18th birthday and I'd been drinking with friends. I didn't tell anyone about the rape. I thought if I forgot about it, it would just disappear. And it did for more than ten years. I didn't remember the rape again until last month. But over the past ten years, teh rape DID affect my life. I ended up in relationships with men who abused me, had absolutely no regard at all for my welfare and used me for sexual gratification only. In a vile ironic was, I had a relationship with one "man" who claimed he "loved me". I wasn't happy in the relationship. I've never been happy in any relationship. One night I went out with a friend and got really, really drunk. The idea was to get so drunk that I'd pass out and wouldn't have to have sex with this "man". Becuase of what happened in my earlier life I HATED the very idea of sex. Anyway, that night I staggered back to the flat I shared with him. I was so drunk that I promptly vomited and collapsed on the floor. Instead of picking me up, my "boyfriend" unzipped my skirt, had sex with me and went out to a bar to meet some other friends. At this point I realised I really needed help. That life is not suppsoed to be like that. That it was time to let the world know that I am not some worthless, un-cared for little girl anymore. I'm still recovering..... |
| ca - sychoticnumonic@webtv.net |
| Comments - Oh God!I want to do this ..I am so afraid of what I dont know. So long ago yet the feelings I am experiencing are so real.Shit I cant do this |
| Jennifer - hotbabe18_71852@yahoo.com |
| Comments - When I was 13 years old I went to my aunts house in New Boston Tx, and I had meet some friends down there. It was a very hot day, and we all decided to go to a community pool and go swimming. Well I was swimming and all of a sudden a older man came up from behind me and started putting his hands on me where i was not conftable so i started to kick him and he still did not leave me alone. Finally we saw him getting exscuded by a cop and we found out that he had malesed a 6 years old and me and my friends went and told on him. Well when i turned 18 they had a trial for him and he went to prison for 40 years and I am glad because he had kids of his own and he needed to be put behind bars for what he had done to use. |
| Allie Zarror - Zallie@rocketmail.com |
| Comments - Hi my name is allie. I was reciently gang raped by 5 black guys at a college fraternity party. We were playing drinking & card games, when the game turned to strip poker. Two of my girlfriends & I saw no harm in a friendly game, plus I sorta liked one of the guys. Being a white girl, from a small rural community I was ready for college life. It all started out innocent enough until it came time for us to remove our panties. My friend Heather(we will call her) said no and got up and left. Jill my other friend and I decided to stay and play. Things turned bad when we had no clothes left. They took all oof our clothes from the floor, closed the curtains, and locked the door. They were inturn naked and told us that we were their final payoff. Mike the guy that I like, told me to stand up, I said no and he stood me up, and pulled me over his knee. He told me that he was going to show me what happened when "little farm bitches" told him no. He started spanking my ass real hard, when jill started to yell for them to stop mike said silence the bitch. They took her over to a chair and tied her up to it. After I was severly spanked, and whipped they all held me down and took turns on me. They called me names, kept hitting me and slapping my butt and face. All of them took turns being inside me, plus they took turns in my bottom. None of them wore a condom, and all of them came inside me atleast once. The more that I cried and begged for them to stopp the more they spanked and raped me. When they were through with me. They told me to get my clothes on and get the fuck out. They told both of us that if we said anything about this that they would kill us. I am so afraid for my life and Jills. They have made threating phone calls, and even got my phone disconected. I feel so dirty all of the time, and worst of all I missed my period last month. Please help. Allie |
| Danger-mouse - psychedelic_princess@iamwasted.com |
| Comments - hello i am 14 years old. i was abused the first time at the age of 5 from my mums boyfriend it was a punishment i spilled water on the floor we played a game "stroke the pussy" as he'd call it. he would rub his penis up and down my body, he never entered me. that happened two times. when i was 8 another one of mums boyfriends took me out driveing one day he made me siton his lap. he held my hips and mooved me up and down. at that stage i wasn't quite sure what was happening i thought that god had put girls on this earth to give men pleasure, shortly i stoped believeing in god! i was raped when i was 10(onmy tenth b'day) it was classed as presant. i don't even know who it was that raped me as he was a guest's friend. i bleed for about 4 hours i was sitting in the bath i wouldn't come out. everyone thought i was whinging about a presant that i didn't get. i let them believe that. i was 12 when my first older boyf came into my life he asked of i would have sex with him i said no so he raped. after that he thought that i would tell someone so he sent me letter saying that i was a good f*@k and no one will love me for me only he will. at that time i believed him! the letters went on for about 9 months. i was walking home alone when he bashed me in the stomach till me made me sick. he nearly klled me well i thought i was going to die. i wanted to die at that point. after the bashing i never saw him again. but i still look around cause i am scared that he'll pop up out of no where. at the moment these group of men(5)rape me they are all ver the age of 30. i have learn't to do what they say it hurts less. i am their toy. i don't know how it express how i feel about it. i am going to councilloring at the moment about my ex boyfriend i haven't got the guts to tell her aboout it. write to me at psychedelic_princess@iamwasted.com like to hear from you soon. |
| Lyndsay B. - Khandi420@aol.com |
| Comments - Hi - I am now almost 16 - I was raped when i was about 14 1/2 - I had no idea who this guy was - My friend had met two guys at the mall earlier and she knew my parents were out of town - She gave them directions to my house and said to come over at nine - She never told me they were coming over - Two guys show up at my house - My friend let them in and introduced me - I was sort of nervous because i didn't know them - and one of them was very tall and big - They stayed for a few hours - and we got to know each other - I found out they went to a High School right in town - We talked for hours - and finally my friends sister came to pick her up from my house -I told the two guys they should leave too - but they made up an excuse saying they had lost their car keys - I helped them search my whole house and finally i said go check at your car - So i some how got them out of my house - and locked all my doors and windows - I thought i was safe - I went up stairs put on a movie and went to sleep - My sister had come home from work late that night because where she worked was 24hrs - She came in and got the dog then went out to take him for a walk - I don't exactly know where she goes but she goes for a long long time - So these two guys were still outside my house i didn't know it - and they noticed my sister didn't lock the door when she left - so they invited themselves back in - The tall big one came upstairs and found me sleeping on my couch - He took all my clothes off and I am a very hard sleeper - It's very hard to get me up when i've been sleepin for a while - then he started to have sex with me - this is when i got up - and i basically got up right before he put himself in me - i was of course in shock and scared - and he put his hand on my throat and siad if i screamed or told anyone that he would hurt me - and he had a knife on the floor next to the coach - teers came running down - becaues i didn't want him to rape me adn then murder me - thats all that was going through my mind - he had sex with me for a good long time - and the whole time i was crying and trying not to make any noise - so i woulnd't make him mad - i was very very scared and in pain - after he had sex with me he did a few other things that of course were only enjoyment to himself - after he was finished he said thanks for the great night and left - my stomach was totally turned inside out - and i felt so alone - i felt like i couldn't tell anyone - i finally got enough courage up to tell my friend who had left me that night - and she felt some waht to blame for what happened - then a few months later i told my best friend - she was in shock - i havn't and don't think i ever will be able to tell my parents - i had to go through the next couple weeks worrying if i was pregenant - because while he was fucking me - he was talkin about how he is not protected and he hopes i get pregenant - because he's alwyas wanted a baby by a beautiful white girl - and it hurt to hear it - and i was so scared - that is my story - and i don't know how i got enough courage to put it out on the web like this - but i guess it helped some what to get it out - |
| Annii - hoa@ansonic.com.au |
| Comments - I broke up with my boyfried of four and half years when I was almost nineteen. I moped around the house and was lost without him to the point of driving my mother up the wall. She suggested I go to the city with one of her younger work-mates for the weekend. Leaving Saturday and coming back Sunday. I come from a small country town of about 700 people. I didn't really know this girl, she was 6 or 7 years older than me and she seemed a little rough but my mother pushed about this until I agreed. Her name was Glenda, she was big and blonde and a bit loud, smoked lots and was engaged to a local boy. She said we would be going to her married sister's house in the suburbs, maybe go out with her etc. etc. None of that happened. Instead we went to another friend of hers in a high-rise, blonde and loud too. I was fairly nervous by this change, especially when Glenda made some calls and said we were meeting friends right in the city. There are still gaps in my memory yet, I don't remember eating or how we got there, but next we were in a sleazy, dirty, hotel corridor. There were two men, one tall and all over Glenda and vice a versa, one thick set and dark. Glenda and the other one were backing down the corridor saying I would be fine with ...?? ( can't remember the name) she would see me in the morning. I called that shouldn't I go to her sister's, she said I would be fine. Gone. The man went into the hotel room behind me saying for me to come inside they would be all night. I was terrified, what was going on, she was engaged. I didn't know what to do or where to go. I didn't have much experience of the city or know anyone to go too. This man kept saying sit down, everything would be alright. He lay on the bed said he was tired. More gaps of time, I think. He said you can't sit there all night, might as well lay down, nothing is going to happen. I wanted to be at home. He talked me into laying down on the bed to sleep. Then he began. An arm across. Don't! A leg across! Please don't! Suddenly his arm was across my throat. Choking. Fought. He got both my hands together in one of his above my head. Pulled my jeans off hard. Said very quietly close to my face "If you scream I will kill you." His eyes were very dark, black almost. He leaned down and bit be hard around my stomach and ribs, ripped my bra up and bit my left breast. I didn't scream but made some noise he pushed his hand over my face so I couldn't breathe, sat on me held my hands. I struggled and couldn't get his hand away. Felt my heart screaming, felt that I was going to die. There are gaps here. I think this happened many times. Have no bra, no clothes on, blood everywhere from bites, my left breast bleeding. Smell cigarette, burns on my arms, body. Hand over my mouth, lightly. I am propped up on pillows. I beg him to let me get out of there. Only smiles, glints at me. Butts the cigarette out on me while holding tight over my mouth and nose. Suddenly flipped over.... only remembered the next bit recently, more horrifying than I can type. He watches my eyes close to my face. Seems to get pleasure at the horror and pain he can see. Many more gaps but pushes me into the bathroom in the early morning - get dressed, clean yourself. Next I'm in the car with this girl and the two men - drop them. We go home - she's very happy and bubbly, doesn't notice me. Tells me all the way home about how both men had been in jail for assault, selling bank robbery details, other things- don't remember. Very tired - my mind is screaming. I feel stiff with pain like after a car accident. Go home tell no one, hide everything - go to work next day. Try to be as normal as possible. Can't cope no where is safe. I know now this is called sadistic rape. I want to die mostly but don't. I am having counselling but don't know if I can live with this and don't want to remember the gaps. Don't know what to do. |
| NIKKI - TianaNelson@Hotmail.com |
| Comments - IT WAS MY SENIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL A YEAR I WOULD "NEVER FORGET" AT THE TIME I DID NOT KNOW THAT I REALLY WOULD NEVER FORGET IT. AND NOT JUST BECAUSE OF ALL THE FUN SENIOR ACTIVITIES BUT BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO EXPERIENCE THE MOST TERRIFING EXPERIENCE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME WILL TELL YOU THAT I HAVE A TERRIBLE MEMORY, I REALLY CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE BUT I REMEMBER THAT NIGHT SO VIVIDLY I CAN REMEMBER IT ALL. IT WAS MAY 19TH 1995 THE NIGHT OF THE SENIOR PROM. I HAD NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I REMEMBER GETTING READY WITH MY SISTER AND MY MOM IN MY ROOM I HAD BEEN VOTED SENIOR PROM QUEEN SO I HAD TO FIX MY HAIR IN A SPECIAL WAY SO THAT MY TIARA WOULD STAY ON I WORE THE MOST BUETIFUL PLUM PURPLE DRESS, IT WAS LONG WITH A SLIT ON THE SIDE THAT RAN CLEAR UP TO MY HIPS, TO THIS DAY WHEN I LOOK AT THE PROM PICTURES I STILL THINK HOW AMAZEING I LOOKED IN THAT DRESS. AS WELL AS BEING CAPTIAN OF THE VARSITY CHEER LEADING SQUAD I RAN TRACK SO MY BODY WAS IN TIP TOP SHAPE AND WAS PERFECT FOR THE DRESS. I HAD MY MOM CURL MY LONG BLONDE HAIR INTO HUNDREDS OF SHINY TENDTILS SHE THEN PINNED THEM TO THE TOP OF MY HEAD AND PLACED MY TIARA ON. WHEN MY DATE SHOWED UP I WAS SO EXCITED HE BROUGHT ME A DOZEN ROSES INSTED OF A CORSAGE. WHEN WE GOT TO THE PROM I WAS TOTALLY OVERWELMED I DANCED UNTILL I WAS BLUE IN THE FACE THAN MY DATE "RICKY" (NOT HIS REAL NAME) TOLD ME THAT WE SOULD PROBUBLY GET GOING TO THE HOTEL FOR THE AFTER PARTY. WHEN WE GOT THERE ALMOST EVERYONE WAS ALREADY WASTED SO I TOLD RICKY TO GO GET ME A DRINK. AFTER ABOUT FIVE RUM& COKES I WAS SO WASTED I COULD BARELY EVEN STAND. I REALLY WAS NOT AWARE OF HOW MUCH ALCOHOLL I HAD CONSUMED IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME. I REALLY CAN'T TELL YOU ALL THAT HAPPENED NEXT, BUT I DO REMEMBER RICKY TAKEING ME INTO A ROOM WITH 3OTHER GUYS THEY WE'RE ALL REALLY BIG FOOTBALL PLAYERS. AT FIRST I JUST SAT DOWN ON THE BED AND STARTED TALKING TO THEM, IT NEVER CROSSED MY MIND AT THE TIME THAT THEY WANTED SEX. NEXT THING I KNEW RICKY WAS UNZIPPING THE BACK OF MY DRESS, HE SAID HE WANTED TO GIVE ME A MASSAGE . ITOLD HIM TO STOP BUT HE WOULD'ENT. HE TORE MY DRESS COMPLETELY OFF AND PUSHED ME OVER FORCEING HIMSELF ON TOP OF ME I WAS SCREAMING AND CRYING SAYING STOP ! NO! PLEASE NO!! BUT HE JUST IGNORED ME HE PULLED OFF MY UNDER WARE AND GOT ON HIM SELF INTO PERFECT POSITION BEFORE I KNEW IT HE WAS HAVEING INTERCORSE WITH ME I JUST LAY THERE SOBBING AND BEGGING THE OTHERS IN THE ROOM TO HELP ME, BUT THEY JUST CHEERED HIM ON SAYING THINGS LIKE "GO RICKY" f*CK HER, AND HARDER. AT SOME POINT I JUST CLOSED MY EYES AND TEIED TO FALL ASLEEP I SOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT THAT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE AFTER RICKY WAS DONE WITH ME ALL 3 OF HIS OTHER FRIENDS HAD THEIR WAY WITH ME EACH TIME I TRIED TO ESCAPE BUT THEY ALL HELD ME DOWN IT WAS AS IF THEY WE'RE PLAYING A GAME AND WANTED TO HELP EACH OTHER OUT. WHEN IT WAS ALL DONE THEY ALL LEFT ME THEIR ALONE CRYING NAKED. AT ABOUT 6:00 THE NEXT MORNING MY BEST FRIEND ABBY CAME LOOKING FOR ME SHE FOUND ME AND I TOLD HER WHAT HAD HAPPENED. AT FIRST SHE WAS SHOCKED SHE DID'NT WANT TO BELIVE IT BUT AFTER THAT SHE JUST HELD ME AND WE BOTH CRIED. I WENT STRAGHT TO THE POLICE THE NEXT MORNING I GAVE ALL OF THE ATTACKERS NAMES PHONE NUMBERS AND ADRESSES, THEY WE'RE ALL TAKEN FROM SCHOOL INTO CUSTODY THAT SAME AFTERNOON. THEY ALL HAD A DIFFRENT STORIE ONE OF THEM JUST DENIED THE WHOLE THING, ANOTHER SAID IT WAS CONSENTUAL SEX RICKY AND ANOTHER SAID THEY WE'RE TO DRUNK TO REMEMBER. ALL OF THEM WE'RE PROSACUTED AND SERVED A 2 YEAR SENTANCE THREE MOTHS AFTER GRADUATION RICKY AND TWO OF THE OTHERS ARE STILL ON PROBATION THE OTHER ATTACKER LIVES IN CANADA SOMEWHERE. ALOT OF PEOPLE GIVE MRE PROPS FOR WHAT I DID, THEY SAID GOING TO THE ATHORITIES WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. I BELIVE IN MY HEART THAT I DID THE RIGHT THING ALSO, I THOUGHT RICKY AND THOSE GUYS WERE MY FREIENDS BUT THEY BETRAYED ME, NO AMOUNT OF TIME CAN EVER FULLY HEAL THE WOUNDS THAT RAPE LEAVES I HAVE MANY GOOD FRIENDS AND A SUPPORTIVE FAMILY WHO HAS HELPED ME TO SOMEWHAT SURVIVE THIS I JUST HOPE MY STORIE WILL BE AN INSPIATION TO OTHERS. |
| Sara - twilight_melody@hotmail.com |
| Comments - About 3 weeks ago, I was raped. I went to this party with my friend, and her boyfriend. It was supposed to be a set up with one of my friend’s boyfriend’s friedns, but there were more people there than expected. My friend and I had picked up some alcohol before we got there and started drinking not too long after we arrived. There were supposed to only be about 6 people there, because most of the others were going to the bar, but a guy that I had been flirting with a few times during the night stayed to be with me. I thought it was a nice gesture, until he decided to share a seat with me... he got very touchy feely, and considering I was drunk, I didn’t seem to care, since I didn’t really know what was going on. He was being extremely rude to my friend, so her, her boyfriend and myself left. We arrived at her boyfriend’s house, and were sitting on the couch and I was complaining about feeling like I was in the way of them being able to fool around and that I felt out of place. I also felt as if I could have had a possible relationship that could have been at the party that I had left. I think about stupid things when I’m intoxicated. About 10 minutes after being at tom’s place, the guy showed up outside the house. He stayed in the car and waited till I came out. He refused to go in and apologize to heather, but begged me to go with him. I decided to leave. And tom, being completely sober let me go, knowing what this guy was like. We went back to the party for about ½ an hour until I started passing out, then he said he’d take me to his place. I repeatedly said I wanted to sleep... “ I don’t wanna do anything with you!! I wanna sleep ok!!” he agreed to let me sleep, so I went. When we got to his place, we went to his room and I layed down on his bed. He then said “you really are tired aren’t you” and then I said “yes I wanna sleep”. He then asked if I sleep naked and I said no, especially not at stranger’s houses. And he said that he does. So I said “whatever... just give me a t-shirt I’m sleeping!” And then he turned out the light and got into bed. Then he goes “come here” and I said “no! You’re naked!” and he goes “no, I’m wearing underwear” then taking my hand and making me feel the strap of the G-string he was wearing. I was disgusted and told him so. Then he goes “ok, I’ll take it off” I begged him to leave it on and just sleep. So then he grabbed me and forced me up to him... and then he tried to feel up my shirt, so I moved away again... falling in and out of consciousness, I woke up to myself naked and him performing oral on me. I was so scared I couldn’t move. It hurt.. It’s never hurt before. And I tried to make him stop, but I could barely move. He then tried to force himself inside me. I pulled away, and said no. And then he went down on me again... and then once again tried to force himself inside me. I pulled away again. He then rolled over and started putting the guilt trip on me saying he wasn’t any good, and I tried to explain that I didn’t want to do anything. Then he went silent, so I rolled over and tried to sleep again. The next thing I know he was going down on me again, and I asked repeatedly to stop. He wouldn’t stop, and once again tried forcing himself inside me. I pulled away again, feeling extremely annoyed. He then told me to sit up. And I said no. and then he grabbed me and sat me up. Then he layed down beside and told me to straddle him. I said no again. And then he told me to just sit on his chest. I said “no I don’t wanna do anything with u” and the he helped me get on his chest and forced me down and forced me into a 69 position, pushing me more and more close to his erect penis. I started doing as he wanted feeling as if I had no choice. The alcohol was making me more and more tired and I stopped after about 6 thrusts saying my arms hurt and I had to stop. He then pushed me down and tried to force himself inside me again. And once again I said no and pushed him off, or tried this time. He was so consistent with it, that I finally gave in and said “ just fucking do it, but you’re wearing a condom!” so, he took about 10 mins (or what seemed like 10 mins.) And put on a condom. He forced himself in and said he;’d be gentle. I warned him that if it hurt he had to stop. He thrust hard and considering I haven’t had sex more than 3 times in my life and the last time was over 6 months before, it hurt a great deal. So I asked him to stop. He refused and kept going in and out faster and faster. It hurt more and more each time. And he was extremely large so, I started crying. He said “maybe this’ll be a little easier” he picked me up and put me into doggy position. Forcing himself in and out faster and faster, hitting my head against the wall. I almost passed out from the blows. The pain was so great that I fell over and put myself into a position that he had to stop. I cried and said I didn’t want any more. I don’t remember anything after that except him laying there naked with his legs spread in my face. I remember waking up in the morning and not knowing where I was. I looked beside me and almost cried again. I called my friend right away and spoke as if nothing had happened so I wouldn’t make him mad. I the got up and dressed. (He was awake by that time) and then waited. He stayed in bed, naked until 2:30 in the afternoon. I woke up at 9:15. I didn’t get home until 3:30 that day. I will never forget this. I haven’t seen him since he dropped me off that day. He even had the nerve to ask me to go out with him again that night. I just said I had to work. Then I got out of the truck and went into my house. I felt so dirty. I’m going through ever phase there is. I’ve been to the assault center in my town and made an appointment with a counselor. Reading these stories has made me feel a little more normal. Thank you all. I would also like to thank my best friends who have been here for me more than I had even hoped for! Thank you to Tyler, Dane, Markus and Ardy! I really appreciate your support through this whole thing and I couldn’t have gotten through it without you. I Love You! Sara |
| Peters - n/a |
| Comments - My story is different then others. I'm a boy who was raped by my babysitter when I stayed at her house while my parents were away for two weeks. I was ten when she raped me. It started the first night that I was there. I remember she came in to my room and masturbated me with her black sweater. She kept on telling me that it would be okay. She then took her clothes off and got on top of me and raped me for what seemed like an hour. She would then go on to rape me everytime I was at her house for two years. She got pregnant twice and now has two kids because of me. |
| Ellen - ebrowneuk@yahoo.co.uk |
| Comments - I've often tried to tell my story but either tell it in parts or get too upset and can't tell it at all. At the moment I feel the worst I've ever felt about my rape. Its weird writing this but apparently sharing your story is a "liberating experience" or so everyone tells me! I was raped when I was 13 and on the way home from school by a stranger. The weird thing about it is the details I remember, it was raining, there were yellow knickers on the washing line, I was getting annoyed at my new school skirt twisting round while I was walking and the whole thing lasted 46 minutes. Why things like this are important I don't know, but hey, I'd rather remember them than what happened. The things I remember about the rape in most detail are the way he looked through me, rather than at me while he was doing it, it sounds weird but I know what I mean, also the immense fear and pain I was feeling, I honestly thought I was going to die and all I could think about was that I was only 5 mins from home. The thing I remember afterwards was the amount I bled, I was really worried but daren't get medical attention, for Gods sake I was only 13 and still a virgin, what would everyone think. I never told anyone anything of what happened till I told my boyfriend when I was 18. I couldn't tell him I'd been raped because he thought we'd both lost our virginity together but I told him everything else that had happened. He loved me and I loved him, I thought I could trust him to always be there for me and protect me. I still do love him dearly but now I'm scared of him so we split up. The reason is 1 night after we'd been out and he was drunk he asked me if I wanted to have sex and I said no, but he did anyway. He says he didn't realise I didn't want to and that I should have pushed him off but I was just so shocked, he was supposed to love me and respect me, he was all I'd ever wanted. I forgave him for it, I guess I overreacted due to my rape before but I could never totally relax with him after that and he could be very quick to anger which scared me even more. I'm now 20 and have just began to tell people as I got so low I couldn't go on. I'm seeing the doctor for depression and ptsd, I'm seeing a counsellor and I should be seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist whichever one it is soon. I've never felt so low, apparently holding the feelings inside means I'm now going through what I should have gone through immediately after it happened instead of acting like nothing was wrong but noone seems to understand why I'm not over it yet. I guess I'm feeling so low this week for 2 reasons. I thought I was getting it together and was finally going to feel happy, I'd told my mum (a big step for me) and felt a lot more confident. I went out on Friday because I was actually happy and wanted to rather than wanted to appear happy and was scared I'd sit in my room all night crying like I do the rest of the time if I stayed in. Anyway I walked home with a friend of a friend, as I lost my mates in the club. I wasn't drunk it was 2 in the morning and I'd been out since 9 and only had 4 drinks (not that thats important). When I go home the guy came in with me, why not he was a friend and he'd just walked me home. Some time later he kissed me and I kissed him back When he tried to take things further I said no and he seemed fine with that then 5 mins later he was trying again. Eventually I gave in but when it came to him trying to have sex with me I asked him to stop but he didn't I kept saying no, please stop but he just carried on. When he did stop, because he'd come he asked me what was wrong and he said I should have pushed him off that he didn't realise, this is tearing me up inside, it must be something about me an d theres noone I can tell but my counsellor cos all my mates know this guy, and my counsellor is ill so I haven't seen her for 3 weeks. I'm finding it difficult to go on. I used to self harm and I'm tempted to do it again. I feel angry, upset, worthless all rolled into 1. I don't know how to act now when I see this guy, if he talks to me I'll want to kill him. The problem is I just don't know what to do now, I want someone to know, to help me decide what to do. I can't go on having flashbacks because of water, I can't keep not sleeping, fainting and having nightmares, but I don't know how to fix it.I guess I'll just always be fucked up. I let the whole rape thing get on top of me I can't take it. I feel so stupid, my friend keeps asking why I can't just forget about my problems and get on with my work, I wish it were that easy. Some days I think about ending it all but feel I can't let the bastards beat me - in a way though I already have, they've stopped me from doing what I really want to do with my life, enjoying it. I never meant my story to be this long or to sound so self pitying but I need to tell it but there's noone to tell it to. Good luck to all the other survivors I hope they're coping better than me! |
| Lila Thomas - lila@hotmail.com |
| Comments - Hi i'm Lila and i'm 29 years old. Too bad i've wasted my life. sorry these things happend a long time ago so it's a bit spotty. It all started when i was 11 years old i was at school and my friend Mikey sat next to me in class. I remember that one day he reached under the desk when the Mr. Finch (My old teacher) was talking. I wondered what he was doing. But then i felt his hang go up my skirt and in my underwear. I wondered (not noing what he was doing at my age) until he started fodling with my vagina. i didn't do anything because Mikey said i owed him one. Later that day he invited me over. So after school i went to his house, when we got there he told me to sit on his bed and he would be back soon. When he came back he had his brother Nick with him. I didn't now what was happening. Mickey said lay down and i said no. So Mikey took me by the arms pushed me down wal his brother pulled down my panties. Nick unziped his fly and stuck his peinus in me and said "scream as loud as you like no won can here you". I whent hame told my mom who took them to court. Nick was sent to Jouvinile Hall & Mikey got fined 22, 000 dollars. |
| Stephanie - champi8360@excite.com |
| Comments - i am 21 and i have been molested for most of my childhood. i lived in a small town. nothing could ever happen there. i started karate when i was 12 nothing happened until i was 13. then my karate instructor started touching me. i would jump and he would say "sorry i didnt mean to." Over next seven years he had such mind control over me. during these years he forced me to have sex with him many many many times.(oral, vaginal,and anul.)i never liked it. if i said no he would beat me then do it anyways. what made me come out and tell was that there were two girls in the karate class that were getting near the age of 13. and i didnt want it to happen to them. i went to the police and they said nothing could be done. then i went to state police they investigated and sent my case to the prosicutors. the prosicutors have had my case for a year. it is still pending. because there is no evidence it is hard to convict. he is a registered child sex offender prior to my alligations. so pray for me that i can get him put away!!!!! |
| Storm Runner - stormrunner100@yahoo.com |
| Comments - I have shared my story in written form a could of times and each time I feel like it is not complete. Here is goes..... My first memory is of getting raped. I was around 2 or 3 and my cousin woke me up and took me down a long hallway. He pulled off my clothes. He was taller then me and lifted me up against the wall so he could rape me. It hurt so much at the beginning and then nothing. I had zoned out watching the sun come up through the window. When he was done I remember looking at his penus that he had in my face. I do not remember if I gave him a blowjob or not but the next thing I remember was being put back in my bed. He raped me every chance he got which is probably about 1 a week. Another time he babysat be because I told my mother that I did not want to go with her (at his urging). He took me to my bed and raped me. He got upset that all i would do was lay there. He said I was good last week and I should be good this week. THat is when he kissed me and I responded like he wanted me to. For that memory I was completely out of my body looking down. I was so disgusted with myself. How could I want it. As he got old his younger brother (another cousin) took over. He was a lot rougher and wanted to see me squirm. He wanted me to say it hurt. He did not rape me with his penus. He would stick his large hands inside of me. He would put a blanket over us and he would precede to "hurt" me. I could not show any emotion. He also would take me to the back room and lay me over his lap and do it again. Sometimes he would stick stuff inside of me. SOmetimes he wanted me to beg him to do it harder or tell him that I liked it. He really scared me. I was afraid of him. I do not really know when it all stopped. I know when we moved when I was 10 it dropped from once a week to 1 a month. I was over weight and low self esteem and then I was molested at a beach. The guy said he wasogoing to show me how to swim and I told him I already knew how to swim. He preceded to touch me until I managed to get away. I was around 13 when that happened and I felt like a big loser. I felt like a whore. I felt like that was all I was good for. The biggest positive thing in my life was school. I knew that I needed to get out so I worked hard in school and managed to go away to college. During my senior year I was going through a really tought time and almost did not make it. I hadn't really told anyone and I was hinting around when I mentioned to somene I was molested and they said at "least you weren't raped". I had a tought time when we used to sit around together and talk about our virginity and stuff. I would shut down. I hated because they wanted to know about "your first time". I would pretend that I was still a virgin. I think that is what made me feel dirtier. I felt like that was something that was taken away. I don't have a first time I can talk with my friends about. I went into therapy then and realized that I weas not alone. I graduated and started with a new therapist and did 1 1/2 years. During that time I sent my mother a letter telling her what had happened to me in very general terms. I also told her that I was angry at her for ny protecting me. Her reply to me was that it was my fault and I should just forget about it because how would it look. The relationship with my mother had deteriated to the point of no-existence. I have a great family now and great kids (from my spouse). I still get in my depression and even sometimes i hide it from my spouse. I know that I will survive. I get sad when people talk about their parents. My inlaws are great and treat me like one of their own but in the end they are not my family. I miss that and to most people they see someone who has a great family and is successful. Even my closest friends did not know until I told them. I have been good about keeping the secret but it is time to start letting the secret go. |
| john - johnnynew@thedawm.com |
| Comments - when i was four, til after i was five, i was pack-raped almost every night by about five or ten men. one was a friend of the family, the others were from his sick cult thing. after the first time i just closed my eyes and tried not to feel or listen. i have no idea how many times it happened but id say in the hundreds. they stole me in the middle of the night from my house, in a quiet, friendly neighbourhood, and drove me places where they all raped me, then put me home. my ignorant, stupid parents slept throught this. i shut my mouth because they said theyd kill my mum. i suffered great wounds that didn't fix and were left unattetended because noone knew. nobody know except two of my best friends who i told in the last few months. one just cried and acts scared around me, and the other one was recently raped and doesnt ever get sad, so im alone. it fucked with my head, i never feel fully sane. im not a criminal, i still go to school, im not violent, i respect women always, i dont have a drug problem, im not poor, i have everything in the world anyone could need, except i still feel empty. i think i have lost almost all emotions. noone understands me. i have flashbacks when i see little things that remind me. should i tell my parents or not? i dont know. what has evrybody else done. it might just make them sad and guilty. i havn't had any problems since, except for one of the rapists rang me up last year and laughed, and i knew who it was. i havnt moved or changed phone numbers, so im fucking freaked. |
| suzzane - suzzane19@hotmail.com |
| Comments - I was raped (deflowered) at the age of 12 by an unknown man at the age of 12. This was the turning point in my life. Since then i have never come up in life. I was just getting obsessed and he was obsessed with me. Then at age 19 i was a captive of my boss in his country and he raped me. He made me his slave in his harem for almost 19 months. Do write to me. I am also available on the msn messenger. |
| Storm Runner - stormrunner100@yahoo.com |
| Comments - I have shared my story in written form a couple of times and each time I feel like it is not complete. Here it goes..... My first memory is of getting raped. I was around 2 or 3 and my cousin woke me up and took me down a long hallway. He pulled off my clothes. He was taller then me and lifted me up against the wall so he could rape me. It hurt so much at the beginning and then nothing. I had zoned out watching the sun come up through the window. When he was done I remember looking at his penus that he had in my face. I do not remember if I gave him a blowjob or not but the next thing I remember was being put back in my bed. He raped me every chance he got which is probably about 1 a week. Another time, he babysat me because I told my mother that I did not want to go with her (at his urging). He took me to my bed and raped me. He got upset that all i would do was lay there. He said I was good last week and I should be good this week. That is when he kissed me and I responded like he wanted me to. For that memory, I was completely out of my body looking down. I was so disgusted with myself. How could I want it. As he got old, his younger brother (another cousin) took over. He was a lot rougher and wanted to see me squirm. He wanted me to say it hurt. He did not rape me with his penis. He would stick his large hands inside of me. He would put a blanket over us and he would precede to "hurt" me. I could not show any emotion. He also would take me to the back room and lay me over his lap and do it again. Sometimes he would stick stuff inside of me. Sometimes he wanted me to beg him to do it harder or tell him that I liked it. He really scared me. I was afraid of him. I do not really know when it all stopped. I know when we moved, when I was 10, it dropped from once a week to once a month. I was over weight and had low self esteem and then I was molested at a beach. The guy said he was going to show me how to swim and I told him I already knew how to swim. He preceded to touch me until I managed to get away. I was around 13 when that happened and I felt like a big loser. I felt like a whore. I felt like that was all I was good for. The biggest positive thing in my life was school. I knew that I needed to get out so I worked hard in school and managed to go away to college. During my senior year, I was going through a really tought time and almost did not make it. I hadn't really told anyone and I was hinting around when I mentioned to somene I was molested and they said at "least you weren't raped". I had a tought time when we used to sit around together and talk about our virginity and stuff. I would shut down. I hated because they wanted to know about "your first time". I would pretend that I was still a virgin. I think that is what made me feel dirtier. I felt like that was something that was taken away. I don't have a first time I can talk with my friends about. I went into therapy then and realized that I weas not alone. I graduated and started with a new therapist and did 1 1/2 years. During that time I sent my mother a letter telling her what had happened to me in very general terms. I also told her that I was angry at her for ny protecting me. Her reply to me was that it was my fault and I should just forget about it because how would it look. The relationship with my mother had deteriated to the point of no-existence. I have a great family now and great kids (from my spouse). I still get in my depression and even sometimes i hide it from my spouse. I know that I will survive. I get sad when people talk about their parents. My inlaws are great and treat me like one of their own but in the end they are not my family. I miss that and to most people they see someone who has a great family and is successful. Even my closest friends did not know until I told them. I have been good about keeping the secret but it is time to start letting the secret go. |
| john - johnnynew@thedawm.com |
| Comments - when i was four, til after i was five, i was pack-raped almost every night by about five or ten men. one was a friend of the family, the others were from his sick cult thing. after the first time i just closed my eyes and tried not to feel or listen. i have no idea how many times it happened but id say in the hundreds. they stole me in the middle of the night from my house, in a quiet, friendly neighbourhood, and drove me places where they all raped me, then put me home. my ignorant, stupid parents slept throught this. i shut my mouth because they said theyd kill my mum. i suffered great wounds that didn't fix and were left unattetended because noone knew. nobody know except two of my best friends who i told in the last few months. one just cried and acts scared around me, and the other one was recently raped and doesnt ever get sad, so im alone. it fucked with my head, i never feel fully sane. im not a criminal, i still go to school, im not violent, i respect women always, i dont have a drug problem, im not poor, i have everything in the world anyone could need, except i still feel empty. i think i have lost almost all emotions. noone understands me. i have flashbacks when i see little things that remind me. should i tell my parents or not? i dont know. what has evrybody else done. it might just make them sad and guilty. i havn't had any problems since, except for one of the rapists rang me up last year and laughed, and i knew who it was. i havnt moved or changed phone numbers, so im freaked. |
| suzzane - suzzane19@hotmail.com |
| Comments - I was raped (deflowered) at the age of 12 by an unknown man. This was the turning point in my life. Since then i have never come up in life. I was just getting obsessed and he was obsessed with me. Then at age 19, i was a captive of my boss in his country and he raped me. He made me his slave in his harem for almost 19 months. Do write to me. I am also available on the msn messenger. |
| Maggie - IvyShamrock@aol.com |
| Comments - A little more than a year ago I was invited over to one of my friend's houses to get ready and then meet a bunch of people we knew to go out to a club. So after I got off work that night I went directly over to her house to get ready to go out that evening. I remember everything in slow motion like it was all a really horrible movie. There was a loud pounding at the door and she then got up to answer it. I remember thinking what the hell, whoever is there has got to be crazy. So she went to the door and a short man aobut 5'6" in dirty clothes and long greasy hair was standing there. He asked her if her mom was home and she said no, but asked if her wanted to come in and get "some" referring to weed that she sells at her house. He said yes and then the two of them walked into the kitchen and she got a bag of weed out of the refrigerator and handed it to him. He then went into the bathroom and we looked at each other and smiled like he is such a fuck. Anyways he emerged out of the bathroom and pulled a knife on both of us. He said give me all your money. My stupid friend told him she didn't have any money, and he said search the damn house bitch. So she continued to search and I then agreed to give him the money out of my purse. So he put me in the bathroom and kept her outside and I heard her scream no and the he opened the bathroom door and pulled me out and said follow her. She ran down the steps into the basement and chased after her with a knife. She then ran out the basement door screaming. I stayed put not knowing what to do. He then came back for me and dragged me through people's yards and eventually leaned me up against someone's house. He began feeling on my breasts and I told him that I had AIDS and he was going to die if he did anything. He then took me by the arm and dragged me through a few more yards, through gates and eventually found this house with a garage in the backyard. He made me grab his dick. Then he told me to pull down my skit, and lye on the ground on my stomach. I did so and he then pulled down his pants and then began to hump me, he barley got in my vagina or my anus, but he did a little bit, his cock was so small. then I asked him to leave and he put me in the garage and tied me up and told me not to leave. I told him I wouldn't and he left. So then after a little while I untied myself and lied on the ground for a little while. Then I heard some noises outside and I stood up and the cops were rolling down the ally and I stepped out of the garage and ran into the arms of one of the cops crying thankyou for saving me. He then asked me to identify him and I saw him and look him in the eye and I wanted to kill him. The cops had him in handcuffs. See when the other girl in the picture ran out of the house she went to a neighbor's house to call the cops and after he raped me he went to a bar up the street and the bartender noticed he was up to no good so he alerted the police and he matched the police's description my friend gave them. Anyways after the rape this girl turned out to be an insensitive bitch who cares more about her and her mother. She found out that I told the cops that they had weed in the house and she then got mad at me and told me to call the dective back and change my story. I was out of school for a week and then when I had the courage to go back to school she had the nerve to embaress me in front of our entire gym class by yelling at me and saying that I should of never said those things. I ended up running out of gym class cying and not knowing what to do. I went home and cried that night and called her and tried to confront her, but I ended up siding with her again. So a little while passed and I went to school and I never talked about my feelings so she just assumed that I was over it,she even said this to me one day and her lack of concern about me and my feelings was showing right through her. I had nowhere to run and I eventually ended up not talking to her again. We work at the same job. She works every friday and I'm usually off, I tired to work it out that way. But things are unusually hard at my job latley. I can't explain to everyone why all the time, I would feel too violated. I only want certain people to know because I don't want them looking at me in a different way. I saw her a week ago for the first time in about a year. I wanted to be friends with her again instantly because I actually missed her. but advice from a friend made me realize how I missed our friendship, she's no friend. And she doesn't even know that I resent her, I built it up too much inside me that I have to confront her one of these days. I don't know what to do. I built it up so much me confroting her that I never did. A year ago and I'm still afraid to confront her. I feel uturally useless. And the rapist is waiting for a trial, I heard it is next month, If he pleads guilty then I don't have to go. |
| Julie - julie@edwardbear.freeserve.co.uk |
| Comments - I am just 24 and was raped 6 years ago, 3 weeks before my 18th birthday. I've only ever told one person before and that was my boyfriend at the time. He said I was a disgusting tart and should have done more to get away. I think about it every day and have nightmares of some sort most nights. At least once a week I relive the whole thing in a dream, it's still as clear as the day it happened. I'm always depressed and if I wasn't such a coward, I'd have killed myself by now-I'm just sure I'd even get that wrong. I was walking home from a meal out at a local pub with friends. The pub is less than 5 minute walk from where I used to live. We left at 10 pm and I declined a lift home as my friends lived in the opposite direction, didn't even give a thought to walking home by myself. As I walked around the corner, my house in sight, I glanced sidewards and saw a man in the telephone box, didn't really think anything of it. Suddenly, someone grabbed me from behind, held a knife to my throat and told me they'd kill me if I tried to move or shout. I just froze, I thought women screamed when this sort of thing happened, I couldn't do anything. A large white van pulled up and I was shoved inside, a jumper I think was pushed over my head so that I couldn't see anything. The doors closed and the van began to drive off, this is when I tried to get away. Something like a blow torch was pushed in front of me and I was told if I didn't behave they'd burn my intimate parts and cut my breasts off. I still struggled but there was too many of them. One man sat on my chest whilst a woman got my jeans off, another man holding my legs still. The woman then began playing with me and the man that had been holding my legs was suddenly inside me, he was really rough and was pushing really had. I tried to resist but it was too difficult. The man sat on my chest was holding a knife to my throat and I had a job to breathe. The woman kept turning the blow torch on and I could feel the heat on my legs. The two men then swapped over and the second man also raped me. The van stopped and I hoped that now I could go free. One man went to the front of the van and was talking to someone whilst the other man sat on me and threatened me, telling me he know where I lived and would get me if I ever told anyone, I believed him and still do. The woman was playing with my pussy all the time. I could hear a third man, he sounded very young and he was saying he didn't want to have sex with me and I prayed that he wouldn't. The other man made him, it was very quick and he was very gentle. I thought that there couldn't be anyone else waiting to have a go and there wasn't, I wasn't dead, they'd let me go. No, the woman stared cleaning my pussy with some sort of liquid and shaved all my pubic hair. I didn't understand at the time and now I realise it was to get rid of evidence. Eventually, they let me go with me promising never to mention the incident to anyone. I was too scared to and they knew it. They reminded me that they knew where I lived and had dropped me off at the end of my street, I ran home. My mum was in bed and I had a bath for nearly 2 hours. I went to college the next day and thought everything was fine. The following day it began to hit me and I was angry and upset all the time. My boyfriend was very angry when I eventually told him and he agreed that it was all my fault. I am still angry and upset and confused, I have constant mood swings still and just wish I was dead. I'm going through another phase of making myself stay awake so that I can't dream and be afraid. I don't want to go out even though I have moved away and just can't make a friendship/relationship with anyone. I hate being too afraid to go anywhere or do anything and sit in my room counting down the hours til I die. I know I should have done more and nobody blames me more than myself. I also know that lots of people would say it's not my fault, then why does it feel like it is? I wish that I'd told the police and got them caught but it's too late now and what if they do know where I live and come and find me. I couldn't take it again, I dread the thought of it happening again. What if they're still doing it to other people and it's my fault for not going to the police. Would they have believed me anyway? I know my mum would have just said it was just sex and to get on with it, it didn't feel like just sex to me. I can't cope with it and I hope that by writing it down, it'll help somehow. It's now 10 minutes past midnight and a long time til morning still, what if they're out there, waiting for their chance to get me again. |
| Jill - americanbeautyjd@AOL.com |
| Comments - I'm not exactly sure where or how to start.. Well, I'm currently 18.. In the past 2 years I've been raped more than 15 times, by more than 10 people... The most signifigant rape was by my boyfriend of 5 years. This was the situation.. While dating him, I had been raped a large number of times... *ADAM* was totally aware of this, and he knew how I felt about it. One night, he came over my house to "do some homework". We sat on my bed, and automatically tried to sort of push me down and get on top of me. I told him to stop, and he did. After about 5 minutes, he started doing it again. This time, I pushed him off, and just said, "NO". So he stopped.. After we finished our homework, he pushed our books on the floor, and shifted ontop of me. We started kissing, and I was okay with that.. He took my top off, and i was still okay with that.. He asked me if he could "f-ck" me, and i said no.. He just kept going. I started yelling at him, and screaming, "no no no!" He started ripping the rest of my clothes off, and i just broke down and started crying.. I tried to hit him, or kick him, or push him, but nothing worked. He was 6.3, I was 5.10.. I weighed 95 pounds, I'm sure that he was more than double my weight. I couldn't fight him, he was just so strong. He got himself undressed, and entered me.. I had previously had sex with him once, but this was just so bad.. It hurt more than words can describe, so i won't even try. After he was done with me, he got off me and got dressed.. When he was done, he came back to the bed, and kissed my forehead.. He whispered, "I love you" into my ear, and left.. I lied in bed for days.. I stopped eating completely. I thought that maybe he just couldn't control himself or something, or maybe he got carried away.. I though of every excuse there was to explain why he did it.. Why it was my fault and not his.. Finally, I broke up with him because my friend convinced me that I needed to.. So I did, and he just got extremely violent.. I told the police, and I was in and out of the hospital for a period of about 6 months. I have still not fully recovered from all of this.. I don't think I ever will.. At least, that is what it seems like. Thank you for listening to my story! |