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| Karen - kari57@longlines.com - 46 | | Comments - I would like anyone who wishes to write to my e-mail to do so.We are unique. We are different. We are human. Hang in there. |
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| stink - stin2009@aol.com - 24 | | Comments - my wife has 2 friends who has lived with each other in the past.These 2 women moved into seperate places after one trash up the house ruining the women furniture and child belongings.Now 2 years later there living together again but this same women is moving out again because she found out that her room mate is having sex with there women neighbor.Now i told my wife 2 years i heard they were gay.She still hung out with them deniying the fact.Today she not at home,work,or any were to be found.She calls me and says can i pick up our son from day care 2hours after she gets off work.Earleir that day i asked when would you be home she said i have to go to my moms then never mind i'll be home after work.2 hours past from her cut off time at work and i recieve a call to pick up our son okay.now she hasn't call daycare to inform them on her late or my late arrival.When i asked her when she called where was she she said over the 2 women house waiting for this certain women to return home i asked for what and she constanly replied i cant talk now i will tell you when iget home.so i said what is there address becuase we need to talk about us and she says are you breaking up with me and i said no got the address and went over to the house.when i gets there she says that one of the girls is gay and having sex with the neighbor then says that her mother said she belive both were gay i just wonder is there any kind of way to find out if she also likes women please help me |
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| Jen - - 21 | | Comments - How many walls have I posted on? More than I can remember, actually. Well, now I've hit a very dark, confusing point in my relationship with a man who has virtually saved my life. We've been together for 2 years, and he's always been there for me, taking care of me. Then we kind of cut down on our lovemaking, which was my choice, since I've never really flipped over it since I was assaulted in a past relationship. I thought it would be a good idea to just cruise the web this summer and look at pictures of really hot men just to kind of boost my libido. Then on a whim, I emailed this guy who lives hundreds of miles away (too far to get serious, I thought), and I have to admit he's growing on me.I look forward to his emails every day. I'm not in love. I love my boyfriend. But I'm afraid I will fall in love with this other guy. I know I sound callous, and I'm mad at myself for barking up the wrong tree. I feel like I'm losing control. Is it possible to be in love with 2 men at once. If my boyfriend ever found out, that would be the end of us. No second chances. How can I hurt someone who's pretty much become my best friend? I hope and pray that this is just a phase. |
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| susan - susanstears@webtv.com - 43 | | Comments - Online relationships - dont do them.
This person has broken my heart, messed with my head, Im suicidal, I wish I was dead.
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| tests - paul@web-hed.com - sdf | | Comments - df |
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| April - aprilmarie@planet-save.com - 21 | | Comments - Your bi-polar or bpd may ruin every relationship you've ever had and also these diseases may never be cured, but no matter how hard it may be love is the answer. If you are someone dealing with a partner who suffers from bi-polar- be very supportive and work with your partner. Being a team will help stabalize the disease so much better than doing it alone. |
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| scarlet Rodrigues - flacaperu.com - 22 | | Comments - I have been married for two years & about to have a baby. My husband has recently kissed the same girl in three occassions. He told me what happened and wants to work things out. Don't know what to do because i love him but i'm very hurt. Please give me advice. |
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| scarlet - flacaperu@juno.com - 22 | | Comments - married for 2 years, and about to have a baby. Husband kissed same girl three times and told me what happen. says his sorry and loves me.
what do i do? |
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| Suz - misplaced_wound@hotmail.com - | | Comments - I self harm...i'm trying to stop but every time I end up cutting my partner makes me watch him cut infront of me as payback to make me see how it feels. I can't deal with the guilt and I cut some more,the cycle goes on. I don't want to put him through it anymore. It kills me to watch himself slowly kill himself over my issues. I keep thinking suicide is the kindest option, but I know that it isn't a real solution, I wish I didn't put the man I love in this pain |
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| Taryn - - 23 | | Comments - WHY CAN'T I JUST FEEL AT PEACE??? WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD?? |
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| Annonymous - ravenbearhawk@go.com - 36 | | Comments - My self injury is all psychological. I keep talking with my family and my ex-boyfriend who I allow to hurt me over and over. I want to stop, but find myself afraid of being alone. I am learning to be alone. They are all very far away. I want to grow and to live a happy life. The Universe keeps guiding me in the right direction and I have learned to go there. Sometimes I still hang on to the past. Sometimes I even try to sabotage myself and my progress because I don't think that I deserve good things. I am getting stronger everyday and I am learning to take care of myself. It isn't easy, but I am in a better place than I have been in my entire life. Thank you for listening to me. |
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| darinel - sweetd1985@netscape.net - 19 | | Comments - Love is not suppose to hurt |
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| darinel - sweetd1985@netscape.net - 19 | | Comments - untitled
tear my heart, shatter my soul. take
away all feelings, make me cold. abuse
me and use me, take away all. hurt me
and keep on hurting me, because you know how much i love pain. i know
it makes you feel more like a man. is
that what you hear when you say those
things to me, such as stupid, bitch,
you idiot? do u like to hurt me? do
you like to cause me pain? am i just
an empty vessel you like to bring to
shame? i fucking loved you! but
it didn't mattered that i had
feelings! it didn't matter that i
was hurting! nothing mattered! i
was just a girl, a stupid girl
to you! |
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| JUDY - RDMDBYGRACE2002@AOL.COM - 36 | | Comments - TILL I FOUND JESUS I WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO KILL MYSELF NOW I HAVE HOPE AND YOU CAN TOO! EMAIL ME IF YOU WISH |
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| Lily - anxietygurl@yahoo.com - 36 | | Comments - I loved, I lost. I ache, I yearn. I am shattered and broken. I am scared, I am humbled. Will this ever end? |
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| Rocheal - Simonton - 17 | | Comments - All things change,
always for the better,
all bad things are conquered,
we all move on in the end,
that's just the way time goes. |
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| C - - 22 | | Comments - I am so glad that I came across this wall. Now I can finally speak, and I don't have to face any consequences that may come with others (family and friends) hearing. No one knows what has happened in our relationship, and finally I can use this wall to talk about it. |
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| Brittany - sparkuss@yahoo.com - 21 | | Comments - I have been with this guy for 3 years now, for the first years he was married. Not only was he having a affare with me, but there was a nother women. He swore that there was nothing going on with this other girl but I knew there was something up. We just had a baby together and in her three months of life he has left her twice. The second time he went to his exwife. I didnt hear from him in a week. When he finally called he begged me to take him back and told me that he wanted to marry me. The next day he tells me that 3 years ago he did have sex with that other women, and he had sex with his exwife while he was up there. He begged me to forgive him. I did and now he is on antidepressents to help him. And now he acts like marriage is out of the question again. I love him very much, and he is a good father but I dont know what to do. He expects me to forget everything. His exwife still wants him back after everything that happend and is willing to forget it all. He was married to her for 18 years. I dont think I will ever be the number 1 women in his life. But I dont want to lose him. |
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| - - | | Comments - No one has ever made me feel as ugly, unfeminine, or worthless as he. Now I can't take it anymore. I can't take myself-I hate everything about myself, down to my handwriting, which isn't "feminine" enough. I feel that if I was with a guy who didn't make me feel this way, I would never have even felt that I wasn't womanly enough. |
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| Max - Maxi449@hotmail.com - 45 | | Comments - Poetry to help deal with my personal devastation, titled: Sun and Earth
Eons lovely, lonely, looking for Her,
Who felt the first flower
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| - - 22 | | Comments - I had an eating disorder once. And during it anytime I would hear the words food, eat, or hungry, I would cringe because they were so much more than just words. It was hard for me to even say those words or write them down. When people would make innocent comments about food in association with me, it would ring in my ears, and my head would swell. Like my friend and I had planned to eat lunch one day, and not too long before we were supposed to leave to eat, I decided to have a spoonful of jelly, but then I dropped the jar on the floor and it shattered. I called my friend, who lived right down the hall, and he was like "Couldn't you wait five minutes to eat?" That comment really bothered me and caused a physiological reaction that is hard to explain. Food was just such a terrible thing to me at one time. Now whenever I hear the words bride, wedding, engagement, happiest day of my life, I get those same feelings. I can't stand hearing those things or seeing those things on tv. I always press the mute button and turn the channel when anything to do with weddings comes up. Like food, my experience with weddings and the (un)natural progression of relationships has been traumatic. That's not a very good explanation, but I wouldn't even know where to start. No one really know the extent that this has affected me and my perspective on life and happiness now. I am truly happy for my friends, family, and strangers who are in good relationships and are happy. I just want to ignore relating those things to my own experiences. God, I can't believe how many people asked me if I was excited to get married. Of course I said yes, but I really just wanted to be like "What the hell do you think? You know the circumstances? Have you been fooled? Do you really expect me to be happy and excited?" Everything related to my wedding day (I hate even saying that, so I'll rephrase). Everything related to the day I got married, including the presents received and the pictures taken, remain in a box in a closet at my parents house. But I told them I just wanted to keep all those things there until we got more settled. But really I just want to keep them there so I can push them away, push everything away. This long. Please don't judge me. |
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| Max - - 45 | | Comments - Past poetry, please take me back. (From a naieve Northener's life wandering in the woods):
Find Eagle's down, look nest up,
Spring's Goslings, my snow heart melts,
Grizzly mother and me up separate trees,
Laugh, we were both so free.
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| - - | | Comments - He has ruined my life because he has ruined me. I see what other girls have and I want that more than anything. I am sure they have their own relationship issues, but god, I am so envious. |
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| J - - 22 | | Comments - The relationship my husband and I have depresses me. I dream of being with someone else- someone who will treat me right. I want to be with someone who would never call me the things he has called me. I want to feel genuinely loved by someone for who I am. Nothing seems to be going right now. I am about to graduate from college but I hate my major. I'll be going back to school to get a degree in something I think I will really enjoy and will make me happy. I just wish I could start my career right now. I feel that I would be able to better handle my relationship with my husband if I had, at least, a career I wanted. I long to be with the right man. And I long for that wedding, the honeymoon, the works. But then I think, would anyone ever want to date a divorced woman who is so relatively young? Would anyone ever want to come to my second wedding? Would they be happy for me? Not that that should matter. I just want to be loved the way I deserve. I want a man who is going to think I'm precious, not to be called bad names, not to be slapped and pushed around. Not to be controlled and be seen as inferior to him. I want so bad to be loved in the right way. |
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| j - - 23 | | Comments - Could I possibly this ugly? That I am hearing it from strangers and my own husband? I question why I was born. Sometimes I think he is the worst person I could have found myself with. Now I'll be seeing my crush once again...will he think I am ugly too? |
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| E - - 43 | | Comments - I feel angry, disappointed, hurt, sad and taken advantage of. I've been used, abused and lied to. Although, I am not a saint, I try to treat people the way I want to be treated, with love, respect and compassion. I keep giving more than I get from my so called friend and colleague. I run the business, watch their home and many animals while they go away and take care of personal business for this individual. This person has been there 3 years ago through my painful divorce, but that seems to be looming over me, reminding me that I feel obligated. I just feel like I am very vulnerable and need to cut the friendship and just strictly business. |
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| angela - angela_hamidia@yahoo.com - 32 | | Comments - |
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| j - - 23 | | Comments - Growing up I always knew I wasn't attractive, perhaps even ugly. But then one day in high school I looked at myself in the mirror and thought maybe I was a little bit pretty. I thought that man would come around who would think I was beautiful. When I began college I dated quite a bit. With guys interested in me I decided that I must not be that bad looking. Then my best friend and I hooked up. I knew I wasn't his type, but I thought that it didn't matter to him, that he liked me for who I was. I thought he thought I was beautiful no matter what. I figured there was nothing better than starting a relationship with a best friend. I soon realized that he wanted me to be a different person. He talked incessantly about how blondes were so much prettier than brunettes, and that if I just dyed my dark hair blonde I could be pretty too. Finally I gave in to get him off my back. I soon shunned my dark hair and vowed never to go back to it, to never be "ugly" like that again. But a few years later I decided I was sick of the blonde look. Besides, it looked totally fake with my skin tone. When I dyed my hair back to brunette I even had the stylist straigten my curly hair for a new look. It looked amazing. I had never felt better about my look. But when my husband (former best friend) saw it, he wouldn't even talk to me. He was discusted with my look, and couldn't even look at me without anger, disappointment, and repulsion in his eyes. I had never felt so bad. Here I was, excited by how pretty I looked, and my own husband thought I was the ugliest thing to walk the planet. It wasn't until one of his friends complimented me on my look that he finally admitted it looked good. Incidents like this have happend so many times since we started dating five years ago. No one has ever made me feel like such shit as him. He has verbally, mentally, emotionally, psychologially, and physically abused me. You might ask why I stay with him. But you see, the abuse is not constant. I know it is wrong, and if I had a friend in my situation I would want her to get out, but it's not that clear cut. He asked me if I could have anything in the world, what would it be. I said a man I could trust to think I am always beautiful (and who treats me right, of course). It is the truth, yet seems unrealistic. I can't really imagine being with someone who wouldn't want me any different than myself. I have contemplated leaving many times. But then I think, would another man love me? Would he someday realize that I am not beautiful? Would he catch me at an odd angle and decide that I am ugly? For gosh sakes, my own best friend turned husband can't stand the way I look, dress, act naturally. I can't describe the feeling of realizing that the man you thought loved every thing about you actually wished you were a completely different person. I'm not even sure I could ever trust another man to really think I am beautiful...but that is what I truly want. |
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| marie - mallen29@aol.com - 40 | | Comments - how can I get my man back sexually,
separeted for 2 yrs.due to kids and issues,still good friends then hysterectomy 4 months ago,I tell him I'm ready he says he just wants to make sure I'm healed,I'll bring it up every now and then, he acts so shy, a couple of times he acted interested but couldn't because of kids around, both have busy lives here. Is it just finding the time or what,I don't want to ask him or talk about it, I just want it to happen
I don't know how or what to say please help me |
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| 404-not-found - root@127.0.0.1 - 43 | | Comments - My life is so skewed because of this realtionship 'problem', I love her, I vowed to her to always be there, to be the one she can always count on, when there is no one else, I will be there. She has her problems, I have mine. I get the on/off mixed message treatment, I can barely think anymore. She hurts me verbally, mentally, and by action, then I am blamed for causing it. I apologize profusely to everyone for everuthing, even when appernetly no fault is perceived. I am so afraid of being 'wrong'. I cut myself sometimes when I cant stand it anymore. I cant make decisions. I try. I am virtually paralyzed. I hate myself for even thinking about cutting myself. I dont want to die. That's not what its about at all. There is no other release. I have tried to break off this relationship. The end result is she begs me back, or won't accept the valididty of my statement. I beg her to dump me. I really truly do want her to be safe and happy and able to grow in her life. If I am so bad, I must be holding her back. Let me out of the way. Go. be happy, then, I again am the only one. I have known her for over 20 yrs. She was married to a friends wife a long time a go, we were friends, and now all within the last five years is 'our relationship' on a new level. At first it was great, we were supportive of each other, forgiving, and freely giving trust and respect. I made my vows. Not before God or law as in marriage, but as in a personal promise to her. I wanted to marry her. Things have degraded into some unrecognizable form. I say go away, she shows up. Everythings fine-for a while. I try to break off she says no, it will work out. see-saw see-saw. I can't get off the ride. What fragments there are left of the original me are now becoming harder to find. I cant stand running around apologizing all the time. I am NOT a BAD person. I am not perfect, who can say that? I try, harder perhaps than I should. But when I think of all the things she has endured that have led up to her life situation being the way it is, I remember her as she used to be for the biggest part of my memory. Damaged by people, and tragedies. Sp,etimes intentionally, and then resorting to self-destructive actions that I was powerless to try to stop her from doing. I know she can get better. The girl I used to know. THe beautiful one, with the attractive figure, and perpetual smile. The one with the quick wit and sense of humor. The passionate lover. And now.... I cry. what was appears to be far away, and its dragging me out from the shoreline into the blackness that lead to---? I dread the sun rising everyday. I fear what it will bring. I dread going to bed. It only signifies the sun will rise again. The love is still there but it hurts too. When I see her I just want to make it all OK, and I want her to pplease just talk to me, about real things, talking would help. But htere is no one there. I talk to myself I suppose. What good are those answers, I doubt. Another night past, almost. 6:10 in the AM- no sleep. Sunlight soon creeping in. Another day. I'm afraid. I want it to be beautiful and right and good. But it wont be. It never is. No matter how hard I try. I can with extreme intent go through an entire day doing only things that I believe will please her or make her happy. But still, I did something wrong or forgot something. I try harder, more confused. I say goodbye and go away. Only to be pulled back with that I need you. You are the only one. I can't in good clear conscience abandin her. I beleive she does need me. One problem. I need me. And I'm getting lost, really terribly lost, no GPS can save me, only the hand of God. But where is he. I pray. I dont understand. Enough rant. It's all pointless, the talk, the action, it never changes anything except the calendar, when I remember what day it is. A couple hrs of sleep now in the AM I'll be fine - isay. It's all a lie. My whole life, doesnt even exist. Call me names, label me, curse me, spit at me, same to ya. This problem is real. Sometimes there are mean people in the world. I just try to make sure it can never be me. Yes, honey, I would take your hurt for you, if only I could. It surely cant be any worse than mine. I just want her to be well again. Like I used to know her. Things to be the way they were. Again, I cry. Oh well, sometimes, some men, do that.
Lost in love and pain for eternity,
The routeless voyager |
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| Blade - blade_2000_cosmos@yahoo.com - 30 | | Comments - I feel lost. Some things are so excessively hard to calculate- I wonder, many times, if I am a good person. I wonder why we can't see ourselves through different eyes. How can we truly be impartial when examining ourselves? I have some harsh truths to face. I am currently losing my best friend, who is a female. I have had feelings for her, and now, since our relationship is dying, I feel the grip of Winter on my spirit. It's very complicated to explain- incredibly complicated. Let me just say this...I am a nice person, and mind you, being nice and kind to people is not a weakness. However, letting people walk all over you is a weakness- and I admit that I have that weakness. I try so hard that I doom myself to this Autumn of Solitude. I have been alone for ten years now, and the OCD is one reason. As a result, I now live a life of Thoreauvian desperation. I try too hard to make friends and 'make' people like me- and it sabotages me every time. I have a list of wonderful qualities about myself. According to many of my friends and loved ones, I am handsome, very intelligent, kind, sweet, sensitive, and just in general a good man. And yet, I am not in denial of my own flaws. But it has taken me 30 years of living to discover my self. Only recently have loved ones been open with me in terms of gently pointing out my shortcomings. I am not proud of it, but I am a very jealous, possessive, and insecure person- especially when it comes to girlfriends or even platonic female friends. I am praying that things change for the better, because I do not wish to spend my life in the far reaches of the wilderness. We are born to need love- to need others in our lives. In addition to the jealousy and possessiveness, I sometimes, with the best intentions, think of women as possessions or trophys. I know that this is a terrible thing- and an atrocious reflection on my character. But I am more honest than most people about my faults. I am a gentleman, and a born again Christian man- but not impeccable. Be that as it may, I cannot walk through this desert of life alone. I can't see who or what is behind me, for one thing. With a mate, I could have vision in every direction- to see the wolves coming for the flock in time to save them. Because my friend Christy has betrayed me, I now am reluctant to trust anyone anymore. I just want to remain silent. I don't wish to reveal my weaknesses to anyone ever again- although I realize that does not square away with posting this message about myself. From now on, I will not be so open with people. I struggle to love people, even though I have a detestation for their behaviors sometimes. I have a lot of anger, but I am working on cleansing myself of it. I would rather just embrace total indifference. It's for my own good. I mean you no harm, world- I wish you well and will pray for you. Please pray for me, in turn. I do not turn my back upon you- but I am going to walk my own path from now on. Do you wish to join me? Don't be afraid to write to me if you wish. In fact, I want that. I need new friends. I find it quite sad, though, that friends come and go in our lives- like ships setting sail for different lands. I believe that I will never escape my life of quiet desperation- at least not until God calls me home to heaven. But if I can find a good female friend to share my life with, my life will be less disappointing. Please don't be scared- but I must warn you, do not take advantage of my kindnesses. Do not use me, because I have been there, and I look upon those who would use me with unapologetic repugnance. I will be kind and respectful to you, so long as you reciprocate that courtesy. But just be aware- I am nobody's walking mat. Do not hurt me. Do not betray me. Whom do I seek? A nice girl- looks do not matter that much. Let's be honest- yes, looks to count. But it is the soul, the heart, and the spirit that mean the most to me. I am very open minded. I don't mind if you are skinny, or big, or medium...but I hope I am attracted to you physically. I don't normally fawn for the 'model' types. Some ordinary or 'plain' girls are very pretty in my opinion. I also value chastity, and a girl who is at least somewhat sexually innocent- and has never been promiscuous in her life before. I have only had about five girlfriends in my whole life- so someone with apx. the same number of partners would be ideal for me. I am a beautiful person, but it sorrows me that so many people fail to see my radiance- and so few ever find it. I am jaded, because of the negative things that have occurred to me. But I have not lost hope. I know God will provide all the things I love, once the time has come when I am ready to receive them. I love philosophy, reading books, heavy metal music, and playing guitar. Hey- I understand this is not a dating site. Don't reproach me. I am just trying to make new friends. Having OCD has not exactly helped me to find new friends- for one thing, I hate mayonnaise (it's a phobia of mine, actually). As I above said, I also have some flaws that I cannot overlook. But the good certainly outweighs the bad. I do have dreams and goals in life. Memento Mori. I have been robbed and fooled before many times- and because life is not, has never been, and will never be fair, I will always face challenges. But I will not stand to be treated unfairly anymore. God is giving me strength! I am proud of Blade (sorry to refer to myself in the third person...I know that is a habit of narcissism- LOL?). No offense to anyone who may have narcissism, of course. We all have our ailments with which we must contend. My own are OCD, low self esteem, anxiety, and depression. God created me this way, so all these things must serve a loftier design. My flaws may actually be the very thing that brings about my redemption one day. My dear friend- let me also say that God created you for a greater reason, too. You are no accident. God planned for you to exist many thousands of years before you were born into the world of brave, cold weather. Eagles don't fly in flocks- I take refuge in my Ivory Tower. Still, I do not want to be alone in this life. You may join me, if you so desire. Anyone who wants to be friends may write to my E-mail address. I love exploring new ideas. There shall come a day when I return to serenity. |
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| wanda - wndbwm@aol.com - 44 | | Comments - no one can make you feel inferior without your consent |
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| becky baglio - beckyb342@yahoo.com - 34 | | Comments - i get no community support or home support.you think people would care a little. |
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| becky baglio - beckyb342@yahoo.com - 34 | | Comments - one battered soul victimized of the cruel world we live in,no love,no life,no victory,only emptiness remains. |
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| becky baglio - beckyb342@yahoo.com - 34 | | Comments - support my cause schizoprenia.your not reading it wrong. it's http://www.igive.com/shizo.you can do it throgh shopping.thanks. |
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| becky baglio - beckyb342@yahoo.com - 34 | | Comments - im saying that i need healthy relationships while getting support from online.i wouldnt mind community support.i was rambling and sometimes i was ill.i sounded retarded.i dont know.i might be a little smater.everbody's like that.they sound stupid at time too.me and my older brother have the same iq.except i have a brain disorder.im getting better.i think.my conselor told me to igmore the voices.that's how i get better.because the medicine stopped working.so i have to journal my thoughts down and ignore them.my link to my cause is not http://wwwwigive.com/shizo,but http://iGive.com/shizo.this is the right link with the capital G. |
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| Anomaly - AM_Panizzon@msn.com - 40 | | Comments - |
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| becky baglio - beckyb324@yahoo.com - 34 | | Comments - my counselor said that well she didn't say anything about support,all she said is that i migght want to try either getting friends or a couple of other things i don't remember.a group of friends.she suggested that i go out with men that or 34 yrs or younger.i thought i hhad to go by her,cause she is my counsleor.now im still thinking younger and im screwed up.what am i realizing?i mean it might not be such a bad idea since everybody else is married.i need to feel safe with that person though.im not sure i want to go out on dates,because im vulnerable mentally,i might want a friend to help me out.one i can trust.i don't know who to trust.help somebody. |
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| becky baglio - coke_cola34@yahoo.com - 34 | | Comments - im might have the flat effect.where i can't talk normal,but flat,noemotions.more on geodon.com under signs and symptoms.don't laugh at me. |
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| - abhelps@yahoo.com - | | Comments - Anyone that is interested can contact me about talking to a psychiatrist who has a new television show coming out. He'll be addressing several issues in depth. |
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| becky baglio - beckyb324@yahoo.com - 34 | | Comments - im in rehibilatation and im learning to interact with people,and go with the flow.praise god?praise god.im sying i still know people from my hometown too though.okay.okay.people are worse off than me.not right now though.the doctor said it's supposed to get better,not worse.i only know of some people in this town.and that's it. |
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| becky baglio - beckyb324@yahoo.com - 34 | | Comments - im supposed to be working on my self-esteem for one of my goals starting next week. |
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| Dan Anderson - puduline@hotmail.com - 44 | | Comments - Always Lonely Never Alone
When I was just a little boy,
I lived my life in fear.
My mother left and my dad drank,
So I thought I'd try a beer.
Had some beers, smoked some weed,
And it washed away my fears.
At 12 years old I didn't know,
I'd be fucked up for years.
I liked to drink in the morning,
The afternoon and all night.
I was such an angry person,
When I drank I'd always fight.
It never really matter to me,
If I won a fight or lost.
The booze and drugs had a grip on me,
No matter what the cost.
Sherry was the girl I loved,
When she left me I was floored.
She took our daughter Tiffany,
The little girl that I adored.
You'd think that I would see the light,
And quit the dope and booze.
I just drank more and things got worse,
I had nothing left to lose.
I drank to kill the heartache'
That over whelming pain.
I drank to forget the things I'd done,
To erase the guilt and shame.
I had to leave our little town,
The only place I'd known.
I'd used up my friends and family,
Then I drank because I was alone.
I'd awaken in a jail cell,
Remorseful and full of fright.
What is the charges officer?
Where'd you pick me up last night?
You assaulted another man,
Then tried to resist arrest.
Off to jail I go again,
To give my mind and body a much needed rest.
When I get out I'll change my ways,
This time it won't the same.
I've learned my lesson; I know where I went wrong,
I can beat this drinking game.
Upon my release I stop in for one,
Just to see how it goes.
Two hours latter I'm under arrest,
For breaking a stranger's nose.
I'm out of control I really need help,
And I can drink no more.
Off to treatment I drag my ass,
But they kick me out the door.
Come back when you're ready to be honest,
About your life so far.
I'll show them bastards who's a drunk,
So I head to the nearest bar.
I'm in and out of several jails,
Treatment centres, the nuthouse to boot.
I'm doing armed robberies and selling drugs,
I really need the loot.
I tell myself I'm not that bad,
I just got shit going on in my head.
Suicide crossed my mind,
I'd be better off if I were dead.
The snakes and spiders attack me,
And my eyes fill up with tears.
They are going up my ass, down my throat,
And in my nose and ears.
God please just let me die,
So I can cause no one more harm.
I'm strapped to a stretcher shaking,
With an IV in my arm.
I'm not a child of 12 any more,
I'm a drunkard at 26 years old.
The remorse, guilt, fear and shame,
Are now 1,000 fold.
I've lost everything I cared about,
Mostly the 2 girls that I love.
I'm beaten enough to say an honest prayer,
To the Almighty God above.
This prayer is not like the others I've prayed,
While trying to spring a deal.
This prayer is from a broken, hopeless man,
And for the first time it is real.
I asked dear God please be with me,
Help me get sober and clean.
Help me be honest with myself,
And never again be mean.
I've been sober for many years now,
And my life is just my life.
God has given me David and Stacey,
But he has cursed me with a wife.
I have a total family now,
But I still feel so alone.
I have a house to live in too,
But you could hardly call it home.
Into my life comes beautiful Dee,
She’s the woman of my dreams.
I think I've found some happiness,
But I guess I'm wrong it seems.
Then I go and fall in love,
But she doesn't feel the same.
Again I feel the heartache, loneliness,
And that over whelming pain.
How come I care so much for her?
I really don't know why.
She held my hand and kisses my lips,
But then began to cry.
She told me that she loved me,
But she was in a drunken state.
She forgot all that was said and done that night,
But to remember is my fate.
On the outside she is confident,
But I know she hurts inside.
Almost every night she drinks too much,
And in the bottle tries to hide.
She must awaken to remorse,
Fear, guilt and shame.
I know exactly what she is going through,
It is such an awful game.
She starts off having a few drinks,
She is really lots of fun.
I have tried to talk with her about,
The things she's said and done.
She says she doesn't want to talk about it,
I was drunk and I don't recall.
Sometimes it hurts me really bad,
I am cursed to remember all.
Sometimes she drinks to kill the heartache,
That over whelming shame.
To forget the things she's said and done,
To erase the guilt and shame.
She was upset and very angry,
As she yelled into the phone.
Because of it she almost lost,
One of the best friends she has known.
She has to know how much I care,
And that I understand her pain.
There is not much more I can do for her,
And it is driving me insane.
I've seen a different side of her,
Not many get to see.
It might be why my feeling for her,
Have such an effect on me.
Stacey asked me why I was sad,
She said Dad why do you look so down.
I think I have to give up on Dee, I said;
With a subtle little frown.
When I see you two together Dad,
You’re both as happy as can be.
Trust me Dad; she really likes you too,
Just be patient and you will see.
She's really pretty and I like her Dad,
Please don't quit on her so soon.
Even if you can't deliver,
Offer her the moon.
Almighty God please comfort her,
Trusting in him I begin to pray.
Protect her during the night time,
And guide her through out the day.
Be there for Sherry, Tiffany, Stacey,
And David my only son.
Teach them how to walk through life,
But to know when they should run.
What ever happens in my life dear God,
Please never let me moan.
I may be lonely sometimes God,
But I know I'm Never Alone.
(PUDULINE)
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| Dan Anderson - puduline@hotmail.com - 44 | | Comments -
MY VERY SPECIAL FRIEND
I know that I love this girl;
She is my very special friend.
I'd do anything I could for her,
Of this I can not pretend.
I know she loves another man,
For him her love is real.
I'm not sure if he's the one for her;
This is just simply how I feel.
She talks of him and smiles,
And then laughs out loud with glee.
I've seen her sad and crying,
And this is something I hate to see.
We've talked of her past relationships,
Of the abuse, heartache and pain.
I'm sure he cares for her deeply;
I just don't want to see her get hurt again.
I hope that things go well for them,
That they become as happy as can be.
Then I'd know that my friend safe and happy,
And that would be good enough for me.
I know that I love this girl,
Because she's my very special friend,
I talk with God about her every night,
Awaiting a sign he'd send.
He tells me to be there for her,
To be her loyal, closest friend.
To care for her, to comfort her,
To love her until the end.
He says to be her friend in unselfishness,
Just meet her wants and needs,
Have no thought for your own reward;
He will repay my every deed.
I'm not to worry about the future,
For it's too far around the bend.
I just pray for her well being and happiness,
Because DEE IS My Very Special Friend
March 2006
Dano |
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| becky baglio - beckyb342@yahoo.com - 35 | | Comments - what?spectrum? |
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| becky baglio - beckyb342@yahoo.com - 35 | | Comments - i might be moving back a stage?spectrum said you can do that.just a stage.then when i get better.it will be no boundaries and whatever.then i will be say spectrum? |
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| becky baqlio - beckyb342@yahoo.com - 35 | | Comments - i know people from my hometown,i just wish i wasn't immature. |
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| beckybaglio - beckyb342@yahoo.com - 35 | | Comments - im not sure how long or short of a break the voices are giving me.seems like mindy said 3months if your lucky. |
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| Cindy - lg222446@msn.com - 46 | | Comments - Just looking for good people to talk with. That will ease the loneliness and anxiety. |
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| becky baglio - beckyb342@yahoo.com - 35 | | Comments - i think my brain disorder is getting under control.i think they are going to give me a short break.it could be worse.alot worse. |
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| Evie - ysmith07042@yahoo.com - 34 | | Comments - Oct. 3rd was my Bithday. I realize that I am still beating up on myself with negative thinking. My thoughts were so negative that I hurt my ankle, by tripping. Today marks the end of this madness!!! |
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| - - 24 | | Comments - I wonder if it really is my fault. That he abuses me. He says I drive him to it. Of course I know what will set him off. But that doesn't mean I should always be restricted from saying certain things or doing certain things, just because I know it will end up in abuse. My voice needs to be heard, not silenced by the threat of abuse. |
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| - - 24 | | Comments - We've been together for 6 years now. I love him more and more every year, and every year things get more clear: I need to get out. And with that realization, comes the second realization that I probably never will. Will stay in an abusive relationship for love of my husband. Continue dreaming of the life I wanted, while my body ages and the potential for getting what I want diminishes. And it's so depressing. So painful. And so, so frustrating. That I need to sleep. |
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| Shandi - wolfiegirl2008@yahoo.com - 17 | | Comments - My mother and father divorced when i was 11 or 12. my mother left the house, and i had to take care of my sister and dad. he always made sure to explain to me that it wasn't my fault, but he didn't change my mind. she lived with us on and off. but when she left again me and my sister never went with her. my dad won custody. there were drugs involved so my sister and i never really had anyone. then my mother moved back in for good, and honestly, at first i wanted her to leave so i didn't have to trust her again and see her walk out. well, one morning my mom woke up early and cooked breakfast, and she asked my dad if he wanted to go to church and he said yes. we went, and ever since then they've been off the drugs and they even remarried! i feel a lot better now that they're back together, but i am still dealing with the long term problems. i have experimented with sex and drugs. for some reason they were kind of a way to help my self esteem. i regret it now because we have our family, but i have learned from them. and its easy for me to turn back to all that. my school went down the drain before, and now i have a reason to be fully prosperous. my parents are my support on both sides. |
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| Shandi - - | | Comments - just always remember that there is a second chance. |
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| Rob - poetrob@netwest.com - 40 | | Comments - Hello, I'm looking for help dealing with a toxic relationship I have with
my parents. My relationship with them
is very unhealthy and I have been unable to break from them for about
20 years. Mostly due to their extreme
controlling ways over me. Severe
interference in my affairs. |
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| Chris Greene - cgreene1981@yahoo.com - 27 | | Comments - Relationships are a very tricky thing. Sometimes it a casual thing and sometimes it a serious thing. everyone has several different relationships and most of them teach you something about yourself and the type of person you want to be with one day. if it weren't for the different type of relationships that we come accros then we wouldn't really know what we were looking for. but everyonce in a while you get that one relationship that you feel so good about. the one that it seems like everything is perfect and nothing could mess this up. you never fight about anything, have the same things in common, and you wake up every morning thinking to yourself. " how did i get this lucky?" and you feel like your on top of the world because you have found that one person that you feel is the ONE! you know. the one that you were suppost to find. your one true love. so you begin to plan different things that you want to do with this person and different trips that you want to do with this person. you start thinking about how she is going to fit in with your family and friends. where you guys are going to live. what jobs you guy's are going to have. you start thinking about your entire lives TOGETHER. you think "nothing can mess this up."
then one day you get the message, the phone call, or the letter, maybe the talk..... the one thing that you thought would never happen.... he/she wants to break up....... and you stop and dont know what to say. what to do. if you should cry or if you should scream. if you want to just go to sleep and never wake up or if you want to stay awake for ever to try and talk to that person to get them to change thier mind. the world that you were on top of just crumbles under you. you feel crushed, betraid, sad, mad, confused, speachless. so the cycle starts over again. you have to pick up the crumbled parts of the world that you were on and find a way to build it all over again. but with who? their is no one like the one you were with. and where do you begin. why would you start all over again when it hurts this bad when it ends. who would want to feel this pain again? is it really worth it? |
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