Sorry about not introducing myself before, but I am generally a lurker on the net. However, since I have received notes (and I appreciate them very much), I thought I'd do the polite thing and tell everyone who I am.

Name is Jinnah, am thirty-three years old. I live in Trinidad and Tobago, an island paradise in the Caribbean. Although I would prefer to live in idle luxury in a hammock under a coconut tree, I actually hold the post of Operations Manager in our family business. I'm a City Planner by profession, but have not been able to practice for awhile because of the disruptions caused by being Bipolar (bp, manic depressive).

I've been bipolar since I was 18, but never diagnosed until 1997, since it had not been a substantial interference in my life. Or rather it had interfered, but I survived those thirteen years in a manner that did not arouse major concern from friends or family. Even I never considered the problem substantial because it always went away (though it always came back). Over the years however, the mood swings associated with being bipolar have become worse and worse until finally in a series of domino like effects from 1996 onwards I lost my lover, then my self control, then my job, and almost my friends. I also seriously considered suicide, a common enough thought among manic depressives.

I started taking medication in 1997, which inflicted its own brand of madness upon me which had to be dealt with. In addition, I had to come to the very difficult realization that perhaps my aspirations in life might not be realistic anymore.

I am a rapid cycler - which means I spend about one week hypomanic (up) and one week depressed (down). The two week cycle is continuous; without medication I have no days of normalcy. Although my mania and depressions have generally been relatively mild so that I can often pass as normal, living on a two week cycle where I am alternately efficient or incapable is enough to drive me crazy.

I cannot predict what I will be doing or liking or thinking next week or next month with any certainty - anything goes. I am unable to plan a trip six months into the future, or realistically say I will attend five weeks of classes, much less try to plan a career, or organize my life.

In a way, I live only in the now, with the future in view but not really accessible.

I don't like being BP and I dislike being on the drugs as they often don't work, or with them the world flattens out, or they produce the most unexpected side effects. I go to therapy and I have a love/hate relationship with my psychiatrist and psychologist and my lithium / sodium valproate / carbamazepine combination.

I'd ignore it all if I wasn't so terrified of reliving 1996 and 1997.

I've managed to come to some arrangement with myself on what to think/do/be next, but it hasn't been fun and it's not over.

I haven't found any other bps in my neighborhood to talk with - this site is part of an outreach program of mine. I'm hoping being a part of you all will allow me to figure out what to do next.

I live by myself, but I am about a minute away from my parents and my brother. My lifemate is currently in England.

One last note. I'm a he - the name is arabic and confuses most people.

So, there you are. More detail about my experiences are accessible from the Table of Contents.

jinnah

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