Sex and Trust Issues

Trust is an important quality in Healthy Sex. It helps us feel emotionally safe and secure about choosing to remain in an intimate relationship with our partner. Without trust, we’re likely to feel growing amounts of anxiety, fear, disappointment and betrayal.

Trust grows when both people in the relationship act responsibly and follow-through with commitments. While no one can guarantee that any relationship will last and remain satisfying for both people, you can strengthen mutual trust by having clear understandings about what you expect from each other in the relationship.

Spend time with your partner discussing what you need and expect in the relationship for you to feel emotionally safe. Based on your discussion, create a list of understandings you will both agree to honor. You may want to formalize your list into an actual “contract” you will follow. Below is an example of a Healthy Sex trust contract.

These mutual understandings are often important to building trust in a healthy sexual relationship. Feel free to use this sample list to help you and your partner in generating your own set of relationship ground rules.

We agree that:

• It's okay to say no to sex at ANY TIME.

• It's okay to ask for what we want sexually, without being teased or shamed for it.

• We don't ever have to do anything we don’t want to do sexually.

• We will take a break or stop sexual activity whenever either of us requests it.

• It's okay to say how we are feeling or what we are needing at ANY TIME.

• We agree to be responsive to each other’s needs for improving physical comfort.

• What we do sexually is private and not to be discussed with others outside our relationship unless we give permission to discuss it.

• We are each ultimately responsible for our own sexual fulfillment and orgasm.

• Our sexual thoughts and fantasies are our own and we don’t have to share them with each other unless we want to reveal them.

• We don't have to disclose the details of a previous sexual relationship unless that information is important to our present partner’s physical health or safety.

• We can initiate or decline sex without incurring a negative reaction from our partner.

• We each agree to be sexually monogamous unless we have a clear, prior understanding that it’s okay to have sex outside the relationship (this includes virtual sex, such as phone or internet sex).

• We will support each other in minimizing risk and using protection to decrease the possibility of disease and/or unwanted pregnancy.

• We will each agree to be medically tested for sexually transmitted disease at any time.

• We will notify each other immediately if we have or suspect we have a sexually transmitted infection.

• We will notify each other if we suspect or know that a pregnancy has occurred from our lovemaking.

• We will support each other in handling any negative consequences that may result from our lovemaking.

Next: Sex and Good Communication

Last reviewed: 10/05

top ~ next ~ send page to friend