Psychological Intimacy in the Lasting Relationships of Heterosexual and Same-Gender Couples

by Richard A. Mackey, Matthew A. Diemer, Bernard A. O'Brien. Published 8/00: Sex Roles: A Journal of Research

This research focused on the meaning of psychological intimacy to partners in heterosexual and same-gender relationships that have lasted for an average of 30 years. In-depth interviews were used to explore the meaning of intimacy to 216 partners in 108 relationships. The participants were whites, blacks, and Mexican-Americans, with Catholic, Jewish, and Protestant religious backgrounds; they were employed in both blue-and white collar occupations.

Psychological intimacy was defined as the sense that one could be open and honest in talking with a partner about personal thoughts and feelings not usually expressed in other relationships. Factors that had a significant role in shaping the quality of psychological intimacy in the last 5 to 10 years of these relationships (recent years) were the absence of major conflict, a confrontive conflict management style between partners, a sense of fairness about the relationship, and the expression of physical affection between partners. Women in same-gender relationships, compared to their heterosexual and gay counterparts, were more likely to report that psychologically intimate communication characterized their relationships. The findings are important for understanding factors that contribute to psychological intimacy in long-term relationships and how the gender roles of partners may shape the quality of psychological intimacy in heterosexual and same-gender relationships.

This paper explores the meaning of psychological intimacy from the perspectives of 216 partners in 108 heterosexual and same-gender relationships that have lasted an average of 30 years. The paper adds to the existing literature on relational intimacy. Most previous studies of intimacy have sampled younger participants in relationships that have not lasted as long as those in this study. Our research focused on the meaning of psychological intimacy among partners in middle and old age. In contrast to the white, middle class samples utilized in many studies, we focused on couples in long-term relationships who were diverse in terms of race, educational level, and sexual orientation. Most research on relational intimacy has employed quantitative methodology; we used in-depth interviews to explore the meaning of psychological intimacy from the perspective of each partner in these relationships.

The research on which this paper is based started 10 years ago and was conducted in two phases. In phase one we focused on qualitative analysis of data from 216 in-depth interviews of spouses in 108 heterosexual and same-gender relationship (Mackey & O'Brien, 1995; Mackey, O'Brien & Mackey, 1997). In the second or current phase, we recoded the interview data so as to analyze them from both a qualitative and quantitative perspective.

The goal of the paper is to develop an understanding of factors that contributed to reported psychological intimacy in recent years, defined as the last 5 to 10 years of these relationships. The paper addresses the following questions:

1. What does being psychologically intimate mean to individual partners (i.e., participants) in heterosexual, lesbian and gay male relationships that have lasted for many years?

2. What factors are associated with the quality of psychological intimacy during the recent years of these relationships?

INTRODUCTION

The paper is organized as follows: Perspectives on defining psychological intimacy are discussed, which is followed by a review of recent empirical studies of intimacy, and the theoretical framework for the current study. The research methodology of the current study is summarized. A definition of psychological intimacy, the dependent variable, based on the reports of participants is presented, followed by the definitions of the independent variables that contributed to reported psychological intimacy in recent years. The findings are presented, including a chi-square analysis of those variables related significantly to psychological intimacy in recent years, correlations of the independent variable with the dependent variables, a logistic regression analysis of factors that contribute to psychological intimacy in recent years, and an examination of the qualitative data that help to clarify the effects of gender and sexual orientation on psychological intimacy during recent years. The limitations of the research are then discussed. The paper ends with a summary and conclusion.

Defining Psychological Intimacy

Despite the widespread attention in the professional literature to studies of intimate behavior, there has been little agreement about the meaning of intimacy in human relationships. Any attempt to define intimacy in a meaningful way must attend to various perspectives on the subject as well as clarify the potential linkages between differing perspectives. In addition, the meaning of intimacy must be differentiated from related concepts, such as communication, closeness, and attachment (Prager, 1995). If we are to be meaningful, not to mention relevant to human relationships in general, Prager cautions that any definition of intimacy needs to be compatible with everyday notions about the meaning of psychological intimacy. Because of the contextual and dynamic nature of relationships over time, however, a simple and static definition of intimacy is probably "unobtainable" (Prager, 1995).

Components of Psychological Intimacy

Summarizing a large body of research, Berscheid and Reis (1998) stated:

Intimacy has been used variously to refer to feelings of closeness and affection between interacting partners; the state of having revealed one's innermost thoughts and feelings to another person; relatively intense forms of nonverbal engagement (notably, touch, eye contact, and close physical proximity); particular types of relationships (especially marriage); sexual activity; and stages of psychological maturation (p. 224).

Most frequently, intimacy has been used synonymously with personal disclosure (Jourard, 1971) which involves "putting aside the masks we wear in the rest of our lives" (Rubin, 1983, p. 168). To be intimate is to be open and honest about levels of the self that usually remain hidden in daily life. The extent of personal disclosure is proportionate to how vulnerable one allows oneself to be with a partner in revealing thoughts and feelings which are not usually apparent in social roles and behaviors of everyday life.

Intimacy also has been thought of as companionship (Lauer, Lauer & Kerr, 1990) and has been associated with emotional bonding (Johnson, 1987). Others have defined intimacy as a process which changes as relationships mature (White, Speisman, Jackson, Bartos & Costos, 1986). Schaefer and Olson (1981) considered intimacy to be a dynamic process which included emotional, intellectual, social, and cultural dimensions.

Helgeson, Shaver, and Dyer (1987) asked individuals to describe instances where they had experienced feelings of intimacy with members of the same and opposite gender. Self-disclosure, physical contact, sexual contact, sharing activities, mutual appreciation of the other, and warmth emerged as the major themes. Sexual and physical contact were mentioned frequently in describing intimacy in heterosexual relationships, but rarely mentioned in describing relationships with members of one's own gender. Participants' definitions were not specific to either romantic or platonic relationships, so it is difficult to delineate what components of intimacy apply to different types of relationship.

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Monsour (1992) examined conceptions of intimacy in same- and opposite-gender relationships of 164 college students. Self-disclosure was the most salient characteristic of intimacy, followed by emotional expressiveness, unconditional support, shared activities, physical contact, and lastly, sexual contact. It is important to note that the low ranking of sexual contact in this study may have been due to participants describing platonic, rather than romantic, relationships. This study also focused (like others) on short term relationships of young adults.

In studying the characteristics of relationships that had lasted an average of 30 years Mackey, O'Brien and Mackey (1997) reported that sense of psychological intimacy emerged as a significant predictor of satisfaction between partners. Across same- and opposite-gender couples, participants described intimacy as the verbal sharing of inner thoughts and feelings between partners along with mutual acceptance of those thoughts and feelings.

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Last updated: 8/00. Last reviewed: 10/05.

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