how to have good sex

How to Have Good Sex

It's more than giving her an orgasm and performing oral sex on him.

If you want to have good sex, make that great sex, first you need to feel good about yourself. That includes your body and your mind. Then you need to let your partners feel good about themselves.

Now, I know many of you read Cosmo (and don't tell me you don't). You know, the women's magazine with the Top (fill in the number) lists on "How to Please Your Man," "How to Please Yourself," "How to (you name the sex topic)." You can make all the jokes you want, but the one thing we can agree on is those lists get right to the point.

For instance, here are the 10 sizzling secrets of Women Who Love Sex.

1. I can switch on my sex drive.

   Sensually supercharged women don't wait around patiently for the mood to strike. Instead, they set in motion the sex-psyching strategies that work for them every time. They conjure up a fantasy. Another libido-lifting trick is to wake up your senses: Spritz on your man's cologne, brush satiny fabric against your skin, or suck on some fruit. "Taking time to engage each sense — touch, taste, sound, scent, and sight — will quickly kick-start your lust drive.
    

2. My body is my pleasure palace.

   A desire diva doesn't waste time fretting about stubble and cellulite or wishing she didn't take so long to climax. Instead, she sees herself as a carnal conduit loaded with sensual capabilities. How did these chicks become so aware of their pleasure points? Chances are, they'll credit masturbation.
    

3. I know I'm a sex goddess.

   Long ago, I learned that men are turned on by a woman who is uninhibited about her sexuality. My current beau would rather date a confident woman with an imperfect figure than a 36-24-36 chick who's too timid to show her shape.

   The tricky thing about sexual confidence, as any carnal cowgirl will admit, is that you need a little to begin with before it can blossom into a natural part of your passion personality. So how do you start? "Fake it at first — that's what I did," admits Bari, a 25-year-old designer. "My now-boyfriend was a coworker of mine whom I had a massive crush on. So I mentally made over my attitude from mousy staffer to office tramp, asked him out for a beer, and let my inner sex goddess loose. Six months of incredible action later, I still haven't reined in that attitude."
    

4. I speak up for myself in the sack.

   Men love to please. But even the most perceptive guy in the world won't have your moan zones all mapped out. Tell your partners how you like to be touched.

   If you're not used to being so erotically expressive, clue in your man by praising his sexual performance. Compliment him on what he does do well, then add a subtle suggestion: "It turns me on so much when you kiss my breasts, I'd go wild if you put your hand between my legs too."
    

5. It's not if I have an orgasm — it's how.

   Women who ooze erotic energy don't view their Big O as a lucky bonus. Instead, reaching the pleasure pinnacle is their right. Men don't consider it sex unless they have an orgasm.

   "I wish every woman would tattoo I deserve great sex on her brain," says Gina Ogden, Ph.D., author of Women Who Love Sex. "Sexual satisfaction is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don't expect to be peeled off the ceiling, it won't happen." So start believing that every-time orgasms aren't elusive rewards reserved for select women — they're yours for the taking.
    

6. I've mastered one signature sex move.

   Mastering at least one unique, naughty-but-nice move can morph you from a hot-and-heavy lover to holy moly! sex-partner status. But you don't have to focus on his G-rated hot spots alone or a specific sexual act. Your signature style can be about invoking an entire mood: sweetly simple, daring and dirty, or pushing the erotic envelope.
    

7. I get to know his secret desires.

   Sexually charged chiquitas know that ecstasy is much more exciting when you skip the paint-by-numbers passion plan. There's nothing hotter than getting to know your partner and finding out which unique moves get him going. He'll be blown away by having a willing woman explore his secret desires.

   Taking the time to experiment with new caresses and positions won't just make your guy grovel, it'll expand your idea of what's sexy.
    

8. I never let sex get stale.

   As soon as sex loses its erotic edge, the "in-the-know babes" have to take fast action. They'll view steamy videos, try a sex toy, leaf through triple-X magazines, act out a secret fantasy, make love in a different location, or test-drive a scorching new position — almost anything in the pursuit of greater pleasure with their partner. To keep the heat in your relationship on high, vow to sample something naughty yet new at least once a week: Surprise your guy by doing the deed in the shower, read erotic books, or duck away from a party into an empty bedroom for a mischievous quickie.
    

9. I'm passionate 24-7.

   Sexuality is a round-the-clock activity, not an isolated act you do in 20-minute stretches. "Great lovers integrate desire into everything they do so they feel sensuous all day long," says Susan Crain Bakos, author of Sexational Secrets: Erotic Advice Your Mother Never Gave You.
    

10. Sex is at the top of my to-do list.

    Girls who love sex never make those tired, same-old excuses — "I got my period"; "I had a stressful day"; "I feel sooo fat" — for why they can't hit the sheets. Instead, passion is number one on their to-do lists, and they know that erotic action is the best cure for cramps, stress, and the blues. "Once you put off pleasure, it becomes easier and easier to postpone, and pretty soon you're out of the habit," explains Bakos. "It can be hard to get back in the sexual swing of things once your sensual switches have been turned off."

    So even if you're not wildly turned on, you'll be doing yourself a favor by slipping into a sensuous state of mind.

Notice that almost everything on that list has to do with what's going on inside your head.

From here, you can either go to the table of contents for this section and read whatever you are interested in, or you can find out the Secret to Good Sex.

Last updated: 8/05

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